What the Bee Taught Me : Acupuncture and Ascending

Every day we are open to have our own magical experience. I’ve had some female trouble lately, mostly the fact that during the month of January I had my period for 15 days straight. Terrifying considering that :

A) I am house sitting, and everything that could get stained frightens me.
B) I have recently become vegan, which has led to both physical and emotional detox issues.
C) I hate doing laundry.
D) I haven’t had an annual exam in 3 years and the internet is filled with cancer-fear.
E) I mean, 15 G-D days??? Are you KIDDING me?

At the recommendation of a friend, I sought out an acupuncturist and made an appointment for an annual exam the following week. My flowchart of hope brought me to a place where eastern medicine would help make the news from the western doctor more than “you waited too long, dork”.

The morning of my acupuncture appointment, I was brought into a calm bright office and offered tea. Fifteen pages of questions about my mental history, physical history, diet and cravings, family history and hospitalizations? What was most interesting was the “recent trauma” portion.

Please list the dates and duration of any traumas (divorce, move, death, changes) of your recent past. 

Fortunately in the land of milk and internet, I am more than happy to share all of my traumas publicly. I burst into tears describing the holidays from hell, depression history and “boring drug” addiction. Please note that boring drugs consist of the drugs that they don’t make movies about getting addicted to: television, self pity, sugar and sleep.

After laying my heart out on the table, the kind and generous lady of the needles and herbs offered me a place on hers. I didn’t want to watch the needles go in, because the idea of being a voodoo doll scares me slightly. If I was a voodoo doll, I am convinced that there is someone out there just like me feeling amazing and free due to this wonderful medicine.

She explained every point on my body that the deft needles hit upon. Heart, open sky of the head, the uterus, stopping the excess chi in my uterus area. According to traditional acupuncture theory, all of our 12 major organs have personalities and energies that sometimes get clogged. Those 12 organs exist in pairs of 2 that balance each other out. It’s almost as if your body is a dance floor, with 6 pairs of dancers that move to the same song but all move differently. When one set of dancers aren’t communicating, the floor becomes less balanced and full. Minus 6 points to uterus and stomach for being real heavy footed on my body ballroom.

The lady of the needles and herbs walked me through every single part of what was going to happen next. Every bit of information made me relaxed and nervous. The whole experience about as invasive as a strong hug. When someone you love really puts pressure on, encouraging you to go deeper and explore every part of yourself that hurts. The parts you don’t want to see, usually.

I thought it would hurt more. It poked and prodded for a bit, and my body responded with adrenaline. But I breathed through the part that was scary. I decided to use mantradetox(tm)…a medicine that I decided to trademark in my head which consists of letting go through words. Let me give you a free trial of my medicine…If you are going through the problems I am? Chant these words in your head: let go of Brandon, let go of the movie, let go of fear, let go of time, let go of place, let go of fear, let go of the other, let go of hating yourself, let go of feeling less than, let go of blind ambition, let go of not knowing, let go of feeling like you are worthless.

Let go, already.

When I got up from the table, I had a feeling like I did when I had my first Kundalini Rising. Euphoria, laughter, the feeling of being high off of your own body. I giggled and stretched my way off the table. I stumbled to my shoes. I hugged the kind woman who just opened up every broken channel inside me. I walked to work, eating an apple and tasting the delicious morning.

That’s when the bee came.

As I sat on a bench, a bee came along and chilled out on my shoelace. Then my hand. Then my shoulder. And I raised my arms to the sky to tell him to let go of me. No sting, no fear, no anger.

Dammit, I thought. If a bee is my spirit animal I must be some sort of corporate drone. Looking the same as everyone else, eating all the same things. Part of a bee dance I can’t get out of.

Then as I looked at spiritual animal references, the bee has been a pollinator of creativity. The bringer of change. The sexual and the fertile. The harbinger of community. The one who leaves the nest and goes forth to spread prosperity, and bring prosperity home. According to Zen Beekeeper Michael Thiele:

“I think bees can inform our practice and become an encouragement to leave home. That’s what swarming of the bees in the spring is about: leaving home, leaving their precisely-defined nest location and taking the risk to fly into the unknown. It is amazing to witness this event and to be exposed to this faith and trust of the process of moving through the unknown! And finally, a new home is found.”

Warning: Excessive Bee Puns coming up. If you find this BEEguiling, keep reading.

As the channels to yourself become open, as the fear mixes with excitement, as the real truth of your inner bounty BEEcomes clearer, may you find home wherever you are. May you BEE brave enough to change, kind enough to yourself to let go of what no longer serves you. May you BEE fat with all the prosperous nurturing that the honeybee gets, drinking all the love in with your gratitude. May you BEE like the bee, spreading fertile joy everywhere because you have a sweet structure and community that values your dance. May you experience bliss like you never thought you could, because you deserve every minute of it.

Sat Nam.

Read Michael Thiele’s Interview on Beekeeping and Zen Practice : http://blogs.sfzc.org/blog/2013/05/22/bee-well/ 


Top 10 List of Lists I Intend to Make : (since no one reads articles anymore)

1. Top Ten Reasons Why Gluten-free Items Will Kill Us.

2. Top Twenty Reasons Why The Title of This Article Makes Me Sound Old

3. Five Cats Who Are Complete Assholes for No Reason

4. Ways to Save Money Buying Cashews in Bulk

5. Things I’m Going to Do Once I’m C-List Famous : The Fab Felonies

6. 20 Burlesque Moves that Will Get You Arrested Anywhere But In Florida

7. Ways to Get Him HOT!! The Winter Coat Edition

8. 10 Classic British Microwave Dinners for your Downton Abbey Marathon-Athon

9. A Top 20 Picture Slideshow of Abandoned Circuit Cities.

10. The Hedonistic Voyage : 30 Exotic Places Where it’s OK to Walk Around Semi-Nude


Vices and Vegetables : Echoes of a Cleanse

No booze, no caffeine, no sugar, no dairy. Nothing left…so what do I start thinking about ALL the time?


Oh my god, sex is the one thing healthy that Gwenyth Paltrow can’t ruin. And yet, it’s still robbing me of subconscious protein…establishing trust, relationships, learning how not to lie to people and how to change myself first before I can save others.

And yet all I can think about is how nice it would be to invite some raw cucumbers into my salad. GOD I DID IT AGAIN!!!

I’m not trying to be a purist. Everyone should have a healthy relationship with their libido, a drive is a drive. But I’m trying to figure out why I’m piecing together my shame spiral of self-hatred and what’s blocking my way is this tiger mind.

Here’s what they don’t tell you about cleansing. When you have no more vices left?

The only vices you have are your thoughts.

If we take ourselves by what our thoughts are, we discover where we are aiming our lives. We become the victims of our own numbness and patterns we feel we can’t control.

I can’t pretend things aren’t lonely anymore. So my mind sends me a thought that I can escape every fear I have with some kind of fantasy. A fantasy that takes me away from reality. Far from appreciation of the life I have, but into posession of a life I am desparate for. Far from living in the present, I’m presenting myself with a pattern of distraction.

In the coming months of the new year, may all your thoughts be pointed towards dreams of the present. May fantasies become realities through the moment lived. May every feeling, emotion and reaction you have become acknowledged and cleansed when you don’t need them anymore. May you eat all the things that make you healthy and soulful, may you give yourself space to be whole. Be you.

Sat Nam.