Ride the Focused Float

Water is my calming element. Every time I am in it, around it, or watching it my mind instantly tunes into my organic self. I feel free, floating and alive. When I was a kid, my dad signed me up for swim team. Bad idea. I never wanted to get across the lane, I was having such a fantastic time feeling supported by this magical atmosphere. My lap time was probably close to an hour, and getting me out of the pool is exhausting. 

Today, I have things to do and a big project I am undertaking to build my own version of home. I still need to find a job, and I have to support myself. I feel the gravity of my situation as the shadow side of my freedom. Imagine that same swimming pool but filled with molasses. Or, just when you feel the most connected in the water, another kid holds your head down. Or even worse, tries to pull you out because everyone else is heading home. 

Why doesn’t the world let us stay where everything feels good? Why are we constantly encouraged to leave our freedom behind because everyone else tells you it’s time to grow up? Why is the struggle towards floating a constant FIGHT???

I dream of being a woman in balance: floating in the atmosphere of her element but so focused that even if all the water were to drain out of the pool she would still feel light – airy in her own atmosphere. Untouchable. Free. 

The mind is your focused float. Start there. Your body is your conscious balance in that float. Keep going towards that delight. Your soul will emerge from those two feeling good. Be good to them. Be good to yourself.

May you float free and focused. May you find your element. May you feel joy, always. 

Sat Nam

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Never Give Away Your Power

I met someone today I really admire, because she has a talent that I have never possessed in my life. She tells everyone exactly how she feels when she has those feelings, and she tells people what she needs. If you pronounce her name wrong? She corrects you. If she wants you to hold her hand, she says “Hold My Hand”. How many people do you know, including yourself, who never ask for what they need and give away all their emotional energy to maintaining the feelings and patterns of others?

This week, I’ve felt like I’ve been giving my power away – the stories I read on Facebook or the Internet, emotional boundaries that I constantly let people cross, Deadlines I’ve been meaning to meet but have given them to the time needed to devote to others. Patterns are popping up that I realize have been imprinted over YEARS.

Your emotional energy is like a free goodie bag from the drugstore. Most of it is crap, and everyone gets the same bag – fear, jealousy, anger, love, compassion, happiness. Usually the stuff you get in this bag has been handed to you based on previous emotional purchases you have made. Sometimes, you can make a really cool discovery – but beware of which drugs you wish to take and which drugs will make you break out in hives. They come in the same kind of package, and they make the same promises.

I’ve made a discovery this week that I have given a lot of my emotional power to those who are emotionally unavailable. It hurts to find this out, especially since all of these people from my past have understood me where most find me obtuse. In an effort to continue to treat myself like royalty, I have to turn my heart into the hope diamond. Keep it safe, let people admire it for what it is, but only let those who are truly qualified to handle it put their hands on it. 

Alright, now you might be thinking – well that’s HARSH. But what would be the worst part about shutting out those people who, whether they know it or not, are hurting you? I’m not saying cut off all contact or turn off every emotion you have towards someone. But limiting your exposure to the part of that person that hurts you? Might be the best thing for both of you. 

If someone toxic is calling? Don’t answer. If you know you don’t want to read something about someone you have been thinking about? Stay off Facebook. For fuck’s sake, don’t let anyone get away with making you feel like you have to do or be something you are not. If they threaten to leave you, let them.

Never give away your power. Ever. I’m not saying don’t love people, or feel things, or let people into your heart. But your heart is the Hope Diamond, more magnificent than any other gem on the planet. Let those who would admire you, admire you, and those who would try to break the glass never get in. Only let the gentle hands of the open-hearted and emotionally qualified scrub the surface of your already glorious soul.

May you stay away from all bullshit this week. That is all.

Sat Nam

 

Why My Career Needs a Big Wheel

It was hard to say no to $20.00 an hour, 40 hours a week serving as production manager for another feature. The job would have been three months out of Freemont, introduced me to many different hard working people in the Bay Area, and given me some real challenges in a field I have really loved working for. But I need some big wheels until my little ones can run on their own. 

Now what do I mean by this? Imagine your life as a series of gears, all moving together. Big wheels are what give you the most support and stability. Career, Health, Family, Spiritual Life, Community, Partner/Romance. Things move slower with the big wheels because things are less likely to change on those rotors. Not everyone’s big wheel is the same. Someone’s spiritual life might be going to church, it might be finding art in a museum. One person’s definition of family differs from the next, but they are stable and give a sense of connectivity. Romance might be a partner or it might be learning how to fall in love with yourself.

But what’s the key in the big wheel? Stability. Even Bear Grylls takes a knife with him when he goes into the woods, and he isn’t completely on his own  – let’s not forget there is a cameraman there. The poor bastard.

ImageThen you have your little wheels. Those are the things that fill in the gaps – passions, hobbies, adventures, love, entertainment. Those are things that don’t have to be huge, they just need to be what makes you blissfully happy. For me, that is my yoga, my friends, film making, writing, travel and challenging my whole self  to discover. That is laughing and sweating every day with purpose.

At certain times, things won’t always be moving forward. Big wheels will fall off. Little wheels will stop making us feel something. It truly is a lucky thing to have your big wheels and your little wheels be the same thing – to be so at one with yourself that you draw forth the opportunity to let all things be supported by themselves. 

I know to support a passion project you must support yourself – and I know that if I was to take that job that I would spend 3 months completely dedicated to it becoming a reality and none for making a stable place for myself in this world. I feel the same way about passion projects right now as I do about boyfriends – I would love to have one but I need to make sure that I’m stable enough to get into it.

So how do I handle the time in between boyfriends? When I need a big wheel so I can’ t do much of my little wheel? I’m going to see my family and friends, the big wheel I can always count on. I’m going to a film panel this weekend talking about DIY filmmaking and try to meet people. I’m going to continue to search for a big wheel that supports my little wheel. I’m going to continue to follow my big dreams and be big enough to let some little ones go for now.

May all your big wheels be stable. May all your little wheels bring you joy. May both work together. If you can’t travel to India, may you find the best Indian Cuisine and di May both be the same, someday. May you live in pursuit of balance because of glorious self-love. May you be happy.

Sat Nam