I Believe in a Working God

God only works when you do. Recently, my God has been an awkward teenager working at Burger King, who knows he’d rather be outside in the sunshine but really wants that XBox. With an extra hundred in Christmas money plus a little bit of allowance from his family, he’s starting the process of saving for his future. But then he sees a beautiful cheerleader and wants to buy her tickets to a concert, or a pony or anything she wants. 

I’m here to tell you the XBox or the girlfriend are both good choices. But the working God tells you that no matter what you choose you still have to work for it – and if what you are working for is aligned with your destiny? He’ll make it harder and easier at the same time.

I’m going to list the jobs I’ve had since graduating college in 2007: stage manager, actress, temp office worker, door to door fundraiser, waitress, event staff, discount bookstore seller, hostess, usher and box office manager, yoga studio front desk employee, hostel concierge, point of sale supervisor, retail associate, barista, catering staff and film production cooordinator.

It took me until film production coordinator to find something that I really loved and even now I realize the climb in that direction is just beginning. I’m also looking for a house that will support me – a tiny home on wheels that will allow me to travel as I need to for work. In the X Box corner we have career : the thing I need to make money and the thing I want to enjoy doing. In girlfriend corner we have art: telling stories, enjoying the moment, having adventures and seeking my spiritual fulfillment daily.

In the very first pauree of Japji, there is the evocation of the working God, or Karta Purkh. This invites God to do the work for you, all you have to do is keep up. All you have to do is keep working towards one direction and let love have no opposition in your life. Let your mind be clear and your heart be full. Empty yourself of all needs to be right, have outcomes or seek. Let love in, and more love will come.

I wish you a beautiful evocation of the working God inside you. Sat Nam. 

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When Looking for Signs Goes Wrong – The Bunny Story

I’m trying to be a grounded spiritualist, but I’m constantly surrounded by puzzling signs. Some of them are wonderful, some of them are terrible. Here is an example of when looking for signs goes wrong, for those of us who are still waiting for that sign of destiny from the universe.

Last month I applied for a job that I truly wanted. The ache in my heart for everything this job offered : benefits, freedom, money, a mission and good healthy food on discount? My interview was on a day when the new moon was in Aries, my sun sign. For those of you unfamiliar with astrology, some of the signs in the new moon may auspiciously be supporting our causes on this planet – especially when the sign is similar to our own. The sun was shining, the interview went extremely well, even the lady at the jewelry shop next door told me the job was mine, and offered me a sublease in the area. “For WHEN you get it dear, WHEN you get it!”the kind old lady smiled at me and said.

This HAS to be a sign, I said to myself.

I failed to notice it was April Fool’s day. Got a call in the evening that they had offered the position to someone internally, but would call me at the end of the month with another job opening. Sign? Maybe not.

Fast forward to end of the month. A day astrologically auspicious to those at a crossroads. Offering balance, the grand cardinal cross was a time that signified the end of self-pity, and the beginning of an awakening into fullness.

Then I saw the bunny.

Outside the office window where I was working? The most adorable baby bunny in the world was munching on a green leaf and staring at me. I stared back at him.

bunny

“Everything is going to be as fine as I am adorable. Tee hee!!”

He was the cutest thing I had ever seen. We communicated. He stared at me and I stared at him and I felt so happy inside. This is a sign of fertility, of things moving, of freedom, of play. I felt so ready to accept what was mine : my dream of supporting myself and moving on into the next phase of my life was being supported by ADORABLE MOTHER NATURE!!

This HAS to be a sign, I said to myself.

I got the call. There was a job available, but for much less hours and much less pay than the previous job. I told the hiring manager that I had to think about it.

I felt sad. I had been waiting on baited breath for this destiny sign to make itself known to me. For the right thing to happen to me at the right time. It sucked. For about two minutes, I let the tears flow in the parking lot. Then I felt relief.

“Now I don’t have to wait on them anymore”…I thought. “Now I can have some freedom in decisions that were hindered by hope and looking everywhere but now.”

It’s amazing how good it feels when you don’t have to rely on the outside anymore to bring you everything you ever wanted. When you can check yourself with who you are rather than what you need. When you can let go of the bunny and really focus on what’s right in front of you. Everything you need you already have. 

I’m not saying it doesn’t suck when you hope for something and then it doesn’t turn out. I’m not saying that the joy in finding isn’t something worth searching for. But I hope in the next week that you find that all the strength, love and prosperity you have ever wanted is not what the bunny has. It’s what you have.

I hope that every missed opportunity is a direction for you. I hope every failure is leading you towards success on a ladder you want to climb. I hope prosperity follows you as you follow your heart. I hope you let love win when you are looking, and you let love be when you know who you are. I hope you make your life a two way mirror of love : looking up and looking in front of you in the glorious dance of the present. 

Sat Nam.

“the universe is counting on our belief
that faith is more powerful than fear
and in that the shifting moment
we’ll all remember why we’re here”
-from “Awaken”at MysticMamma.com

Going Pro at Being Stupid

Try this : fake a laugh for 3 -7 minutes. Guaranteed? Within the first 5 minutes you will eventually have one or more organic laughs, because the idea of faking something for that long puts the body in an autonomic response.  Isn’t that amazing? If you get over your fear of looking stupid long enough, eventually you become yourself and do what feels good anyway. 

Today, I went for a run. After doing my laundry, inevitably I’m left with two mismatched dress socks and nothing else in the immediate vicinity that vaguely resembled a match. 

ImageWith every decision there are drawbacks and payoffs. To me, the day outside where I get the chance to be limitless far went below the risk of looking like a crazy vagrant who does hand dances when she runs. The fact that I had no pants on as well, probably didn’t help – (just kidding, but totally thought about it) and of course? My white shirt with a burrito stain on the front, making this an effortless, classy yet completely stupid look.

Then I went and sat at Starbucks, as usual, looking through the classified postings and nagging people who have never met me to take a look at my resume. I saw someone who shares the last name of a friend of mine, working for a production company. I was willing to be stupid enough to take his picture in public, although was completely discreet. 

But then I had an amazing thought : I’ve got my resume, why not walk up to him and ask if he needed anyone like me? If he’s in production, what’s the worst that could happen? He would say no, maybe. I would definitely not do this in Los Angeles, CA…but what is overbearing about this in Los Altos, CA? Smaller pool, he probably doesn’t get the chance to meet someone like me that often, even if he is annoyed, all I do is be quick and judge the situation as it is…what if-

And then he walked out the door. Granted, it was at the exact same time I was scheduled to have a phone interview, but it would have taken me 3 minutes tops to make an elevator pitch about my skills. 

Dammit, do you mean I wasted this day being stupid like an AMETEUR, and then I get the chance to do something PROFESIONALLY stupid, for something I cared about and I let it WALK OUT THE DOOR? 

This week, don’t make the same mistake I did. I hope you look stupid for the things you really want and can laugh at yourself about the absurdity in small things. I hope you become professionally stupid. I hope you fall stupid in love for things that make you happy. I hope you are stupid enough to follow them. 

Sat Nam. 

 

Knots

Patchy foggy pieces of information in bulk are far worse than small amounts of clarity. When you look at a big tangle of knots, you see parts of the rope that once were straight. You can see their entry and exit into the frayed tangle of mess – have some idea of where they are going and what parts of the whole they represent. You see the pattern of their relationship with the entire messy tangle, maybe you might even be able to see which parts they are connected to.

I’ve come to a point in my climb up career mountain that gets pieces of information at a time. One job offer fails, the other one calls. I have a great interview and then a terrible one. I can tell the instant I’m doing well and when I’m faking it for the sake of a paycheck. Each one of these experiences are tiny knots to untie.

For example. I’m sitting in a warehouse in San Carlos with two commercial directors. I’m enjoying myself. I’m talking about past experiences and future offers of help. They are engaged, and open to potentially take what I am offering on the table. This, like a few other production leads, will go nowhere. Both parties have not received enough information, because they are each untangling knots of their own.

I don’t know it yet, but I need a big wheel job to pay for my base expenses before I can even THINK of taking on this project. They don’t know it yet, but they can’t really present me a valuable offer without looking at their budget first and knowing exactly what kind of person they need. We both are learning things, and we part knowing that we aren’t right for each other. Sadly, this is the best version of a date I’ve had in months.

And so it goes. This applies to personal knots as well. I only know enough about the next relationship, the next adventure, and the next part of my life I want to experience based on what I untangle.

Then there are those huge, messy, lifelong knots – the ones the mind keeps going over. My emotional attachment to unavailable men, the low feelings of self-worth and coming from a place of lack, performance anxiety, financial instability, emotional eating, and the conscious choice of what I’m thinking is true about myself versus what actually is – conformity to norm versus my truth.

When your mind is constantly focusing on the unmanagable task – taking the smallest part of a messy rope and saying “This is what I’m learning right now. When I learn what part of the whole this is connected to, then I can solve the bigger problem.”

May your knots in the coming weeks be broken down into small tasks. May the information be clear. May you have the courage to follow your true intuition, and trust that the knot was once strong rope. May you have the patience to let time manage the unmanagable knots. May you be fearless in your pursuit of your soul’s mystery. May you unravel your destiny one piece of rope at a time.

Sat Nam

knots

O time! thou must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me to untie!
– Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, Viola 2.2.40

Why My Career Needs a Big Wheel

It was hard to say no to $20.00 an hour, 40 hours a week serving as production manager for another feature. The job would have been three months out of Freemont, introduced me to many different hard working people in the Bay Area, and given me some real challenges in a field I have really loved working for. But I need some big wheels until my little ones can run on their own. 

Now what do I mean by this? Imagine your life as a series of gears, all moving together. Big wheels are what give you the most support and stability. Career, Health, Family, Spiritual Life, Community, Partner/Romance. Things move slower with the big wheels because things are less likely to change on those rotors. Not everyone’s big wheel is the same. Someone’s spiritual life might be going to church, it might be finding art in a museum. One person’s definition of family differs from the next, but they are stable and give a sense of connectivity. Romance might be a partner or it might be learning how to fall in love with yourself.

But what’s the key in the big wheel? Stability. Even Bear Grylls takes a knife with him when he goes into the woods, and he isn’t completely on his own  – let’s not forget there is a cameraman there. The poor bastard.

ImageThen you have your little wheels. Those are the things that fill in the gaps – passions, hobbies, adventures, love, entertainment. Those are things that don’t have to be huge, they just need to be what makes you blissfully happy. For me, that is my yoga, my friends, film making, writing, travel and challenging my whole self  to discover. That is laughing and sweating every day with purpose.

At certain times, things won’t always be moving forward. Big wheels will fall off. Little wheels will stop making us feel something. It truly is a lucky thing to have your big wheels and your little wheels be the same thing – to be so at one with yourself that you draw forth the opportunity to let all things be supported by themselves. 

I know to support a passion project you must support yourself – and I know that if I was to take that job that I would spend 3 months completely dedicated to it becoming a reality and none for making a stable place for myself in this world. I feel the same way about passion projects right now as I do about boyfriends – I would love to have one but I need to make sure that I’m stable enough to get into it.

So how do I handle the time in between boyfriends? When I need a big wheel so I can’ t do much of my little wheel? I’m going to see my family and friends, the big wheel I can always count on. I’m going to a film panel this weekend talking about DIY filmmaking and try to meet people. I’m going to continue to search for a big wheel that supports my little wheel. I’m going to continue to follow my big dreams and be big enough to let some little ones go for now.

May all your big wheels be stable. May all your little wheels bring you joy. May both work together. If you can’t travel to India, may you find the best Indian Cuisine and di May both be the same, someday. May you live in pursuit of balance because of glorious self-love. May you be happy.

Sat Nam

Sweat and Sweatpants

 Imagine a career woman, chasing down her dreams in a suit and high heels, sweating out the particulars of her day with grace and intelligence. Imagine her idiot sister, in sweatpants on the couch watching Juan Pablo and dreaming of her fantasy wedding. Sweat and Sweatpants. 

We are both sweat and sweatpants when it comes to walking a spiritual path. Equal parts fear and commitment. Going through the sweatpants phase to feel the power of your sweat and swagger. 

I’m very lucky that I had time to process some major changes in relationship, health and personal mission. Took me a month to feel it, a month to isolate and cleanse the specific traumas, another month to stand back up on my feet and launch. Yesterday, I had a bit of a sweatpants relapse when I made some less-than-productive choices on an ever changing Silicon Valley Monday. Wolf of Wall Street versus more applications? GAHHHHHH…HOW DO I CHOOSE???

A missed connection, a fantasy of something you know you can’t have but want it for that very reason, noticing differences in the people around me, envy and protestations of sleep. Protestations of LOTS of sleep. Sensory feelings of things you don’t even imagine happening, being mean to myself. Not appreciating the life that I’ve been given and the chances I have had. 

So your ex didn’t write you back, so you can’t be where you need to be right NOW. So you are having trouble getting up at 5am to do yoga, and you didn’t run until the afternoon. So you feel like the only turbine on the engine called your life. 

How do we isolate these feelings when we thought we got rid of them before?

In traditions of the yogic path, we have our Karmas and we have our Dharmas. Karma is what happens to you in this lifetime, cause and effect. Dharma is the behavior path that we take in order to transcend earthly needs, to walk the path of enlightenment. When we move through the Karmas with enlightened purpose, behavior, and a neutral mind, our Karma becomes Dharma. All of our residuals become another obstacle because our total destiny is being served through action. 

Some days, hours, minutes, or thoughts can be measured in sweat. That is Dharma, divine action of working through your problems so you can just be. Karma is when those thoughts become too big and you give up, or fall to fantasy and refuse to accept the present as it is. Wearing yoga pants without going to yoga class…we’ve all been there, right? 

So accept for now, that your life will not always be sweat. But may you have the courage this week to get through your sweatpants phases and move into divine clarity. May you eat your karma for breakfast, lunch and dinner and transcend through action. May you let go of what you have done wrong and make peace with what you have done right. May you forgive yourself for the less than divine task of being perfect you think you are capable of. May you feel motion, momentum, and love for yourself through all phases of your life. May you be free.

Sat Nam. 

Image

This is what progress looks like.