The Squeak

It sounds like a nonconformist slide whistle, which at any hour of the day will make the most annoying noise I’ve ever heard. I sit at the front desk of a lobby office, and suddenly that noise becomes my tell-tale heart. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

It’s the office drink refrigerator. Every time the glass moves against the opposite wall, it makes a rubbery whistle that is really irritating. A squeaky honk or a honky squeak? I can’t tell anymore. 

I sit here for 8 hours and none of it will ever go away. I can’t tell when the noise will come into my world, or when it will leave. It chooses how to present itself, it makes itself known and it comes back without my permission.

In many ways, this is how karma is processed. You never know when your bad cycles are going to appear, your old patterns that are going to pop up. I never know when I am going to feel shame, anger, fear, depression or loneliness creep up on me – but I know the vibration of those feelings the same way I feel this sound. Like, OH NO! Not THIS again. I’m sick of this fantasy/nightmare/problem that I thought I dealt with already.

The source may be the same or different, but it doesn’t matter because it seems interminable. And it’s the same sound, every time. A single noise in an otherwise noiseless world that keeps popping up, over and over again until it is all that you can think about.

We come to this planet as guests of an already perfect system, and our imperfections catch up with us. It’s only natural.

What we fail to realize when we process these sounds, feelings, vibrations, sensations? Is that we don’t need to fix any of it. We just need to let go of it the same way we let go of the noise that pops up in our heads. Every time we feel something, it doesn’t have to overtake us – they aren’t facts about our life, just information about trauma and drama not yet processed.

On this day, I hope that you find the silence in yourself when you hear only noise. I hope you recognize that in spite of your karma, you are all divine beings. I hope that you identify the source of your noise and learn how to live with it or let it go. I hope that you overcome all the squeaky sounds in your head that tell you that you aren’t worth jack. I hope that you eat your karma for breakfast so you can serve your higher purpose all day long. I hope you believe enough in yourself that the sounds don’t matter. I hope you have peace in your heart. Always.

Sat Nam.  

Sweat and Sweatpants

 Imagine a career woman, chasing down her dreams in a suit and high heels, sweating out the particulars of her day with grace and intelligence. Imagine her idiot sister, in sweatpants on the couch watching Juan Pablo and dreaming of her fantasy wedding. Sweat and Sweatpants. 

We are both sweat and sweatpants when it comes to walking a spiritual path. Equal parts fear and commitment. Going through the sweatpants phase to feel the power of your sweat and swagger. 

I’m very lucky that I had time to process some major changes in relationship, health and personal mission. Took me a month to feel it, a month to isolate and cleanse the specific traumas, another month to stand back up on my feet and launch. Yesterday, I had a bit of a sweatpants relapse when I made some less-than-productive choices on an ever changing Silicon Valley Monday. Wolf of Wall Street versus more applications? GAHHHHHH…HOW DO I CHOOSE???

A missed connection, a fantasy of something you know you can’t have but want it for that very reason, noticing differences in the people around me, envy and protestations of sleep. Protestations of LOTS of sleep. Sensory feelings of things you don’t even imagine happening, being mean to myself. Not appreciating the life that I’ve been given and the chances I have had. 

So your ex didn’t write you back, so you can’t be where you need to be right NOW. So you are having trouble getting up at 5am to do yoga, and you didn’t run until the afternoon. So you feel like the only turbine on the engine called your life. 

How do we isolate these feelings when we thought we got rid of them before?

In traditions of the yogic path, we have our Karmas and we have our Dharmas. Karma is what happens to you in this lifetime, cause and effect. Dharma is the behavior path that we take in order to transcend earthly needs, to walk the path of enlightenment. When we move through the Karmas with enlightened purpose, behavior, and a neutral mind, our Karma becomes Dharma. All of our residuals become another obstacle because our total destiny is being served through action. 

Some days, hours, minutes, or thoughts can be measured in sweat. That is Dharma, divine action of working through your problems so you can just be. Karma is when those thoughts become too big and you give up, or fall to fantasy and refuse to accept the present as it is. Wearing yoga pants without going to yoga class…we’ve all been there, right? 

So accept for now, that your life will not always be sweat. But may you have the courage this week to get through your sweatpants phases and move into divine clarity. May you eat your karma for breakfast, lunch and dinner and transcend through action. May you let go of what you have done wrong and make peace with what you have done right. May you forgive yourself for the less than divine task of being perfect you think you are capable of. May you feel motion, momentum, and love for yourself through all phases of your life. May you be free.

Sat Nam. 

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This is what progress looks like.