A Jew, A Muslim, A Christian, a Buddhist and an Atheist are all on Spring Break together. They are in a swimming pool, splashing each other and chicken fighting. All of a sudden GOD appears. He looks something like Jeff Bridges.
“Hold on, man”, he says. “Are you puttin’ out what you’re gettin’ in? Know what I’m saying?”
All of these guys turn and look at this old hippie, who in spite of his reputation of being God, is losing his audience.
“God, where have you been?” Asked the Jew.
“Yes” said the Christian, “Where’s Jesus?”
“Jesus and I are both on Spring Break.” said God. “My son doesn’t want to be seen with me at the pool, so he’s gone to Disneyland”
“Makes sense” says the Atheist, “Him and Mickey Mouse, just figments of our imagination”
“Leave him alone!” said the Buddhist, “Let him be as he is”
“God,” says the Muslim, “How did you get here?”
“Well,” says God, “First, there was the heavens and-”
“NoNoNo, not that, I mean…how did you get invited to this event? I have to like, keep reminding these guys to make me an admin on the facebook page and they keep ignoring me!”
“Shut up, dude!” Said the Christian, “He’s GOD. Obviously he’s always invited. But he’s everywhere anyway so it doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah, but I’m sure God gets really mad when people don’t invite him! I mean, he has feelings, right?” Said the Jew, “God, do you have feelings?”
“Well, I try not to take anything personally,” said God, in a way that would make you feel he took it personally.
“Do you want to come in?” said the Buddhist. “I made…Ok, bought some vegan corndogs from Whole Foods.”
“You told me you made those! They were my favorite!” Said the Muslim. “Are they even vegan?”
“Well, it says on the wrapper that it was made in a place that may…be a pig farm, but…”
“What???” said both the Jew and Muslim together.
And then they started splashing each other. Really hard splashes that guys will do in pools to show off. Only it was angrier than that. They dunked each other, pinned each other with fun noodles, and gave each other wedgies.
God was amused, but not pleased.
“I COMMAND YOU TO STOP!!”
All of a sudden, the party was over. The deep end parted and God walked on the dry cement at the bottom. He went to the very center of the pool and pulled the plug. Like a spiral in a bathtub, all the water drained out of the pool.
Everybody felt like a royal douchebag.
“I told you he wasn’t going to save any of you”. Said the Atheist. “If he is so forgiving, why is he doing this to us?”
“I see your point.” said the Christian.
“Don’t look at me!” said the Muslim.
The Buddhist was silent.
“Do you think I’M GOD???” Said God.
“God is not a person, place, thing, idea, doctrine, scripture or anything that can speak to you in finite manners. God is you. But what keeps God alive is the water between you. The thing that flows and holds you up when you feel like sinking and sustains you in peace. I’m Jeff Fucking Bridges, and i’m going to go get drunk while I wait for Jesus to come back from Disneyland.”
And with that, God-or-Jeff-Bridges left.
And they all kind of stared at each other for awhile. Not knowing really what to say.
“I should have got his autograph” said the Jew.
“Dude, you really think that was Jeff Bridges?” said the Christian.
“He looks much shorter than he does in the movies”, said the Buddhist.
They thought about this for a minute.
“I don’t think that was Jeff Bridges.” said the Muslim.
The pool dried up and became a skate park the very next summer. It was carved up and tagged and teenagers would go there to have unprotected sex. The facebook group “Summer Pool Party” was deleted. Jeff Bridges never came back again.