Knots

Patchy foggy pieces of information in bulk are far worse than small amounts of clarity. When you look at a big tangle of knots, you see parts of the rope that once were straight. You can see their entry and exit into the frayed tangle of mess – have some idea of where they are going and what parts of the whole they represent. You see the pattern of their relationship with the entire messy tangle, maybe you might even be able to see which parts they are connected to.

I’ve come to a point in my climb up career mountain that gets pieces of information at a time. One job offer fails, the other one calls. I have a great interview and then a terrible one. I can tell the instant I’m doing well and when I’m faking it for the sake of a paycheck. Each one of these experiences are tiny knots to untie.

For example. I’m sitting in a warehouse in San Carlos with two commercial directors. I’m enjoying myself. I’m talking about past experiences and future offers of help. They are engaged, and open to potentially take what I am offering on the table. This, like a few other production leads, will go nowhere. Both parties have not received enough information, because they are each untangling knots of their own.

I don’t know it yet, but I need a big wheel job to pay for my base expenses before I can even THINK of taking on this project. They don’t know it yet, but they can’t really present me a valuable offer without looking at their budget first and knowing exactly what kind of person they need. We both are learning things, and we part knowing that we aren’t right for each other. Sadly, this is the best version of a date I’ve had in months.

And so it goes. This applies to personal knots as well. I only know enough about the next relationship, the next adventure, and the next part of my life I want to experience based on what I untangle.

Then there are those huge, messy, lifelong knots – the ones the mind keeps going over. My emotional attachment to unavailable men, the low feelings of self-worth and coming from a place of lack, performance anxiety, financial instability, emotional eating, and the conscious choice of what I’m thinking is true about myself versus what actually is – conformity to norm versus my truth.

When your mind is constantly focusing on the unmanagable task – taking the smallest part of a messy rope and saying “This is what I’m learning right now. When I learn what part of the whole this is connected to, then I can solve the bigger problem.”

May your knots in the coming weeks be broken down into small tasks. May the information be clear. May you have the courage to follow your true intuition, and trust that the knot was once strong rope. May you have the patience to let time manage the unmanagable knots. May you be fearless in your pursuit of your soul’s mystery. May you unravel your destiny one piece of rope at a time.

Sat Nam

knots

O time! thou must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me to untie!
– Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, Viola 2.2.40

The Squeak

It sounds like a nonconformist slide whistle, which at any hour of the day will make the most annoying noise I’ve ever heard. I sit at the front desk of a lobby office, and suddenly that noise becomes my tell-tale heart. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

It’s the office drink refrigerator. Every time the glass moves against the opposite wall, it makes a rubbery whistle that is really irritating. A squeaky honk or a honky squeak? I can’t tell anymore. 

I sit here for 8 hours and none of it will ever go away. I can’t tell when the noise will come into my world, or when it will leave. It chooses how to present itself, it makes itself known and it comes back without my permission.

In many ways, this is how karma is processed. You never know when your bad cycles are going to appear, your old patterns that are going to pop up. I never know when I am going to feel shame, anger, fear, depression or loneliness creep up on me – but I know the vibration of those feelings the same way I feel this sound. Like, OH NO! Not THIS again. I’m sick of this fantasy/nightmare/problem that I thought I dealt with already.

The source may be the same or different, but it doesn’t matter because it seems interminable. And it’s the same sound, every time. A single noise in an otherwise noiseless world that keeps popping up, over and over again until it is all that you can think about.

We come to this planet as guests of an already perfect system, and our imperfections catch up with us. It’s only natural.

What we fail to realize when we process these sounds, feelings, vibrations, sensations? Is that we don’t need to fix any of it. We just need to let go of it the same way we let go of the noise that pops up in our heads. Every time we feel something, it doesn’t have to overtake us – they aren’t facts about our life, just information about trauma and drama not yet processed.

On this day, I hope that you find the silence in yourself when you hear only noise. I hope you recognize that in spite of your karma, you are all divine beings. I hope that you identify the source of your noise and learn how to live with it or let it go. I hope that you overcome all the squeaky sounds in your head that tell you that you aren’t worth jack. I hope that you eat your karma for breakfast so you can serve your higher purpose all day long. I hope you believe enough in yourself that the sounds don’t matter. I hope you have peace in your heart. Always.

Sat Nam.