The Particulars of Being Spiritually Particular

Discernment. Something I’ve never been really good at until I started a job search. Every time I hear the words “work from home”, “become an entrepreneur” and “grow a client base” It hits me in the gut before the third eye: there are a lot of people out there who aren’t very particular about who they are looking for, and normally that means you are a quota they need to fill.

In my past lines of work, I have been not particular at ALL in what I’m looking for. Money. Flexibility. A Base. That was it during the period I was a working non working actor, doing 3 jobs and having no time at all for what I really loved doing. 

Then I discovered Kundalini Yoga. It was a filter for everything that wasn’t particular in my life. All the things I thought really mattered melted off me. Parts of my life got harder, but parts of my life became much more particular. For example, New York? Not the place for me. Acting? Not the job for me. 

It’s been two years since I left New York, and I have worked as a production manager for a feature film, done freelance videography, completed a 120 day sadhana (daily practice) and lost over 30 pounds. Things are getting leaner, financially, but here’s the best part about getting through the blur.

Particulars make you invincible in your pursuit of your true self.

Now I’m not saying these particulars are rigid. You know, in esscence what you really want, but the format may change. I wanted to do creative work as an actor, but at present I work in film production. Later? I may write, sing, dance, teach yoga, become a monk, inspire a startup and become a billionaire, become the next Danielle Steel, who knows? 

But as for right now, my particulars are making me more confident in my truth as a human. I am not what I do, I am what I am. I am capable, smart, and willing to do anything to follow the path that my destiny has made me. I am worth more than a general idea. I am worth more than the lump sum of what someone thinks I am capable of. I am capable of anything. 

So are you. 

In the next week, I hope that you are particular with what makes you truly soar. I hope you find a secret for yourself that makes you so happy you don’t want to share it, and then you share those particulars with those who need them. I hope you can feel from your energetic system what is good for you and what doesn’t work, and respond in an appropriate manner. I hope you realize you are one particular living soul in a system of all connected things – and you are what that universe is looking for. I hope you find truth, love, and the core of your particulars.

Sat Nam

Emotionships – The Auric Imprint

Sex is like a movie. You may watch it with someone or alone, and your experience of it is totally different from the person next to you. You have different preferences, you want it to end one way or the other, but the discussion goes on in your mind. Did that really mean what I thought it meant? Was it even worth my time?

Imagine trying to remember who was that one actor from one time who you really liked but can’t remember his name? Sometimes our sexual partners stay with us in that way – at the back of our mind even when we don’t realize it. Wait, JON HAMM! Yeah, that’s that guy from that thing. 

After deeply knowing someone on an intimate level, whether that be a sexual parnter, friend, mentor, human connection, HOW do you know which parts of someone to keep and which to let go? Which stories do we know are truth when it comes to authentic relationships?

We all know these people : energetic pathways to our highest and most connected self. Whether that is sexual information, creative energetic information or love? It blurs sometimes. The people who know us on a basic level may not be sexual partners at all, but they leave an imprint on us that is difficult to decipher. Someone who sees our best self, has given to us when we did not expect generosity, or has seen us at our most vulnerable.

Here’s a way to pay them back for those kindnesses : remove all energy that NEEDS something. Remove all expectations, anticipations or attachments with them and be present with the love they have. If they have none left for you, then bless them and be on your way. If you are still able to give and receive selflessly with that person, then give stronger and take only what is given. 

I haven’t had the greatest history when it comes to remembering the lead or supporting actors/actresses in my sexual life. I got caught up in the Sex and the City hookup culture, enjoying reruns of a show that wasn’t relevant nor present to the actual needs of women. If according to Kundalini Yoga tradition, a sexual partner leaves pranic cavities in a woman’s aura? I may have more holes than swiss cheese filled with buckshot. 

For the most part, I’ve cleared up the majority of that sexual storytelling and been able to give love to someone unconditionally and with respect. But here comes the big challenge : how much of my thoughts go into the old relationship for the sake of a fantasy emotionship I may have? Emotionships, of course, are those tiny fantasy relationships in our minds that make us believe someone is what they are not for the sake of emotional safety. No surprise? These never work out. 

May your relationship with your higher consciousness be your top priority. May you never hunger for something that isn’t and be present with what is in your partner. May you give yourself an emotional energy colonic and forgive all the things that someone never was for you. May you be for yourself what you hope to get from a partner. May you love your soul. May you live for love. May that love be true to you. 

Sat Nam

Giving Up on Giving Up – Karam Pad to Shakti Pad

I’m moving out of my parent’s house in less than 5 days. At nearly 29 years old, this would be a good time to move on with my life. I’m hungering for something different, a new life, new circumstances. So what did I do?

I got a haircut.

Then I recognized a pattern. Every 3-4 years my life seems to change completely. College, 4 years. New York, 4 years. Sonora, 3 years. Usually a drastic haircut happens a few months before a major shift. For some reason, I need to shed skins. I thought this came from my wanting to be an actress, but as I’ve retired from that profession I’ve seen more and more that I can hardly keep up with the changes I want to make for myself. 

There are stages of spiritual development we all must pass through in order to master ourselves, our destiny, and our tasks on this planet. The first stage is the apprentice, where you take everything in and absorb everything. Next is Karam Pad, where you align against discomfort, push your limits and test your knowledge. Shakti Pad is next. This is where you confront the ego. This is where you decide if your work is aimed onto the higher path or quit altogether.

There are lots of things I haven’t made it past the Shakti Pad with. Singing, Dancing, Typing, Crafting, Waitressing, Sales, Mime… all things that may or may not have given me spiritual fulfillment but for whatever reason I had to leave it behind.

But what if I’m leaving myself behind by giving up before an ultimate payoff? What if by focusing my mind I can focus myself to true destiny?

We can all be kind of good at a lot of things, but if you master something? REALLY put the time in and heart and get past the awkward phase? Miracles beyond your wildest dreams usually fall when you least expect it.

For the past few days I’ve been a little on edge. Old addictions and thoughts are popping up when I don’t need them. Old reminders the big fear : You’re just going to get a drastic haircut again and want to change everything in 3 years anyway. But will  you really change yourself in that time? 

I’ve wanted to hide these feelings. Hide from everyone, really. If my home for the past 3 years was a crowded movie theater, I feel like the person who is sneaking out the side door. I don’t want to bother anyone, I just want to leave. Secretly, I think I’m annoying everyone and no one will miss me. But publicly? I hope that once I leave, that cracks the light open for someone who feels stuck. That if I can seek a basic prosperity in a space where I don’t know the rules, anyone can. 

And this is where the next phase of my life is headed. I want to realize that I’m probably still in apprentice phase with myself. I need to cross over to the space where there is no ego. And in that way, I let go of not being good at things right now. My hope is that I keep doing what I love doing and the money, fun, adventure, space and balance appears. 

I have dreams. I want to work as a writer/producer and get paid good money working with talented people. I want to make pieces that people will think about. I want to share light, and make a difference for someone who I may never see or hear but who is affected by a message I have yet to send.

In the meantime, I accept that I have a lot of work to do if I am going to get to the Shakti Pad of myself. I promise to be present with the changes, and acknowledge that I may not be able to solve everything, do everything, or be everything to everyone. But if I can rise to the challenge of meeting my soul with grace, work at it every day, and seek joy in all I do? Then I will be fine.

I’m giving up on giving up on myself. Because I am the source of all that makes me powerful, graceful, and human. And that is enough. 

May we all develop as we are. May we all leave the spaces better than when we arrived. May we all embrace change. May we stick with our true gifts from God and leave what everyone expects us to be. May we be happy exactly as we are. May we prosper as we grow. May we love ourselves as we stumble through the change.

Burn the Effigy of False Stories – Winter, Fire, and Marzanna

At 4:30 PM the sun starts to go down. It is cold outside. I light a candle for my evening meditation, a real karma-burner that allows me to open the lotus blossom of my heart. Feel its fragrance, be inside the chambers of where the oldest stories I tell myself are hidden. I look at that flame every night and I focus on the process: it is a pleasure to burn the old life inside me because it is too painful to carry anymore.

Most people spend their entire lives crawling. This is a fact. The mind is a series of patterns on which we are sent messages from our subconscious. These stories are older than our childhoods, and our karma is to figure out why we came to this planet to suffer the same story over and over again. Why we seem to be the victim of our life instead of the hero is patterned in our subconscious tales of lack, fear, hurt and pain that we were brought to from the human condition. From the suffering that we seem to be doomed to follow.

Its a fucking pleasure to burn that story. I want to throw the entire chapter of my false identity into a pit of flames and never hear words from that place again. I want a working heart and a loving soul.

Fortunately for me, I have Kundalini Yoga, and the teachings of Yogi Bhajan. Tonight my teacher explained to me that all of those stories are from fear. That the way of the heart-centered warrior is not to fight and suffer and lose and be an animal. But to be gracious, regal and gentle with my soul. It is easy to be numb, to be harsh, to be critical and to hate. It is the hardest thing in the world to face fear with the open lotus of the heart.

Yogi Bhajan

“Repeat after me : I love myself, I trust myself, I am myself. LOUDER, Until I believe you…” – Yogi Bhajan

Tonight, I read about the goddess Marzanna. She is a goddess from Poland who represents the seasonal rites of Winter. She is the death that needs to happen in order for Spring to bloom. The Slavic root of her name, mor, or mors, means death. Some German studies have likened her to mare, or nightmare. She visits and brings death, nightmare, phantoms, visions, hallucinations. In other words, she is the bringer of the dark days without sun or sky so that the soil of the Earth is clear for a rebirth.

marzanna

Marzanna. Ugly doll of death, harbinger of Winter. 

There is a tradition in the Czech Republic to burn an effigy of Marzanna during the vernal equinox of Spring, on March 21. A likeness of Marzanna is brought through the town on that day and burned on a pyre of herbs, flowers, and stones. This is a community passing of Winter and the welcoming of Spring. When she is burned, it is considered bad luck to touch any of her ashes after she has been put on the fire. You don’t want that old story carried around with you any more than you want six more weeks of cold. The time for death and mourning is passing and we don’t have time for the baggage that follows that season. Don’t look at Marzanna once you are done with your ritual. Don’t carry any more of her stories with you. You don’t need them anymore.

In the next few months, I’ve got a lot of burning to do. The old habits, the old stories, the old triggers. They need to die quick deaths so that life may regenerate in my soul. May the following weeks bring you a burning process that clears the cosmos for your destiny. May the false piece of yourself that you keep identifying with die out. May you feel the lotus blossom of your heart open and may that burn bright in the harsh conditions. May your baggage fall into flames. May you regenerate with love and understanding so you may be strong and carry your community through the Aquarian Age.

Sat Nam.

Burn the death goddess

May your Goddess serve you to burn the stories.

Ra Ma Da Sa – Heal Thyself, Heal the World

Last week, I had a panic attack. The first one I have had in years. Hands shaking, my mother tranquilized me with her calming hands as I cried so hard my entire body felt an exorcism of grief. This is a feeling I have been storing in my body for several weeks. Loss of a relationship one year in the making, loss of a job that made me feel alive, the loss of my grandmother and her release from pain. Everything hit me all at once as I began to break down. One piece at a time.

We have so many ways in the current culture to destroy ourselves. Let me list some that I have engaged in.

  1. The Boring Drugs – Bad Television, Food, Booze… all things seemingly normal and undetected in all social circles.
  2. Sex – Ok, this list is starting to sound like a purity test. I’m not on this earth to make anyone, least of all, myself look like a soapbox diva. But what better way to forget than to lose yourself in another person? When did we decide as a culture that medicating using another’s genitals was a good idea?
  3. Self-Importance – We are taught, in America that the bigger we are the more powerful we become. Bigger homes, more followers, more social networking and more social anxiety. I am the most socially adjusted person until I engage in online comparison and then fear sets in. Where were we before we coveted our neighbor’s online post? How did we even survive?
  4. Martyrdom in the name of Service – When you are inspired to give, you want to give more and more. But if you never give to yourself you run on fumes and become either a financial, emotional or physical martyr. The cause of your life is to live it happy. When you martyr yourself in the name of others, you never get that solid foot on the ground and lose your liberation.
  5. Fear – I’ve let fear destroy many wonderful experiences that could have been completely pleasant. Shows I have been in, projects I have started, friendships? Relationships that never started because I couldn’t tell someone “I think you are amazing. You make me smile, and you add color to my view of the planet”. Chances, adventures, life. All curtailed out of a non-credible emotion.

So how do you heal from all these subconscious traumas? How do you resonate healing and love when you are falling apart? Where are the healing hands of your earthly and heavenly mother when your entire body resonates with these self-destructive tendencies?

There is a beautiful meditation in Kundalini Yoga. Tonight I felt the waves of peace roll over me as a voice whispered in my ear: “I think you are amazing, you make me smile, and you add color to my view of the planet”. It’s the inner voice I have been afraid to tell other people, because I need to tell myself first.

Healing cannot happen unless it starts at our original home, the heart.

Sitting on the ground with your legs crossed, close your eyes and focus at your third eye. Hold your hands palms flat at the level of your shoulders. Elbows are bent and resting next to the shoulders. Back straight. Breathe. Chant along with these beautiful elements, bringing in the navel point as you chant the syllables Sa and Hung, illuminating them both –

Ra – Sun

Ma- Moon

Da – Earth

Sa – Infinity

Sa- I call on Infinity

Say – I personally embody that Infinity

So – I merge with that Infinity

Hung – That esscence, I am thou.

To finish, hold your breath and visualize that green, healing energy of love. Send it to yourself, to the planet. To the world. Inhale and focus on that person or place you need to heal. Exhale and Inhale one last time, send it out further than you ever imagined. Exhale and heal the world.

Start with 11 minutes. Start with the love that you owe yourself as a divine being having an earthly experience.

May your week be healed by everything that makes you fall apart. May you peel back the layers of fear in your life to reveal the healing vibration of self love. May you care for yourself so much that all others are healed by being around you. May you inspire others to be healing waves of love. May that wave submit itself into an ocean of compassion. May that ocean be our planet. Sat  Nam.

Try this musical version with Snatam Kaur! Rights belonging to the artist-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9OCEfi4Lv0

Akal – Deathless

Today my Grandmother died.

The dying process that is quick for some became long for her. A year of being on more morphine, pills and insulin than most hospitals would administer. All pieces of this puzzle were made known to my mother, who took the role of caretaker and support for over ten years. The karma of care is something passed on so strongly from mother to daughter. Felt from infancy, giving back that unconditional support we recieved as an infant? It’s no match for what we want to do when we are adults and feel like we can do so much. But in the end, what little we can do hits us all at once and we’re lost.

I held my mother in my arms this morning and said “I am so proud of you”. Because no one could have done what she did, maintained consistency as my grandmother deteriorated, hallucinated and grew weak. No one could have been her at that moment and not broken down.

My grandmother raised two girls as a single parent. In a conservative town where divorce was considered loosely hanging skin on society, she took on the responsibility as she could. Worked at the same bank for 30 years, trained male employees to become her superiors. She was the valedictorian of a high school class of one in Oregon, a farm town where there were more sheep than people.  Getting lost on our way to the movies, reading, riding bikes down her street, and Jello with fruit. All memories I take with me.

When my mom became aware of grandma’s situation, I asked her how she could keep watch over a woman who was falling apart. Her answer was simple:

When someone refuses to give up on you, you don’t give up on them.

My mother explained that when her Dad left, Grandma didn’t stop being a Mother. She didn’t shirk responsibility when she had no support. She didn’t give up. She may have stumbled on that path, but she didn’t forget who her girls were. This past week, my mother held my grandma’s hand as she chose to stop eating, stop taking medications, and release herself from pain. To release from this earthly shell we all have to leave eventually. To become the matter of the next life, whatever that may be. It was a holding cell of the next world and we all could recieve her wishes as she passed. Painful, powerful, complete.

There is a chant that the Kundalini Yoga community recites when someone leaves this planet : Akal. It means undying, deathless. The death place where, when you are asked to go there, you can go with grace and dignity. For the past week, when my Grandmother decided that death was her choice, that it was her time to go, she left on her own terms. It’s the place where change feels like burning and everything crumbles around you but you stay still. You stay deathless, for death is your peace.

Death isn’t about giving up, it’s about letting go. It’s about being there for someone in their last hour and allowing them to let go. It’s not giving up as the letting go is painful. I will take the lessons of my mother and grandmother of that deathless place. May that deathless place give you strength when all karma is burning into dharma. May you remember those who held your hand into the deathless place. May you become deathless as death surrounds you. May you all be light when your time comes to illuminate the deathless path. Sat Nam.

Grandma

Eileen Arabella McKay. Akal.