The Good Lonely

I’m entering a phase in my life I’m choosing to call : the good lonely. Its a big, amazing world out there and I want to experience every dimension of it. Some parts of that dimension require solitary confinement.

There are some days when I stare at the roof of the ceiling in my room and wish to be miles away from where I am. The only thing pulling me in any direction is towards a life of adventure, prosperity, happiness and creative sharing. 

Most days though, I feel alone. And that’s OK, it just requires a balance of surrounding myself with love whenever that feeling enters my soul.

When you are 29, your personal crisis’ stop being cute and they start feeling like a spiritual deadline. Your friends are partnering off and making families, everyone expects you to have a career path planned, and all success is measured in what kind of phone you have.

Which is why you need the good lonely at this time in your life. It’s a time to reject all that and really allow yourself to occupy the space of your life. No one else will do it for you.

I’m grateful for this time, frightening as it is. It’s allowed me to make some rules for myself that have made me feel stronger, lighter, more myself.

1. Treat yourself like royalty. It’s the only way to move through the hard parts in life is to make sure you are well cared for by the power of your soul.

2. Don’t be afraid of taking up space. As a woman, I really feel like I’ve been beat down over my lifetime with reasons to apologize. I refuse to, anymore.

3. Failure is encouraged. Graceful and teaching moments of failure are the best thing you can ask for at this point, because each one leads you to more information.

4. If you don’t agree, don’t participate. A job, a housing situation, a relationship, a lifestyle. Don’t make choices based on what’s expected of you.

5. Stay strong and flexible. Your vulnerability mixed with your strength makes you compelling, just as you are. Don’t change it because you feel like you have nothing to offer.

6. Surround with people who make you feel loved and take you out of yourself. It makes all the difference in the world.

7. Separate feelings from facts. Meditation helps this. So does time. So does perspective.

8. Build yourself up so you can build others up. It will make you strong, sensitive, and compelling.

9. The only relationship you ever really need is with your higher self. Whatever that is, keep searching for it and never give up.

10. Realize that you are a living system that has karmic lineage. You alone are radiant, powerful and beautiful. Be the living embodiment of dharma and you will never feel alone again.

I wish you all a very good lonely.

Sat Nam

Walk in radiance and you will never feel alone.

Walk in radiance and you will never feel alone.

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The Price of All That Happy

I saw an adorable but ugly dog – my favorite kind. I squealed at him and shouted, “PUPPY!”. The owner looked frightened. When I find out that my favorite band is playing near me, I’d put on displays of convivial joy while hunting down tickets online. If someone handed me a shaker of truffle salt? I would jump up and down in excitement.

Professionals stay neutral. Children stay happy. Realists stay realistic, but also can’t get hurt as easily. Where is the middle ground? Neutrality is what we seek on the spiritual journey, but also happiness. What happens when we seek to cross these both? Does it even happen?

This morning, as I wring myself out in yoga class and get rid of all the fears that surround me on a daily basis? I’m struck by the fact that we can never have a lot of happy without a lot of sad. Just as in a risk-and-reward situation, the higher you go the higher you have to fall.

Consider the wave. As it heads towards the shore it gets highest before it falls. But then it goes back and another high is reached. The water goes fast and then slow, and paces based on it’s peaks and valleys. When it’s closer to the sand, it is forced to absorb the changing landscape before it has strength to rise again.

life like this...

life like this…

But it always rises. The higher it goes the more it inspires, accumulates and moves. It takes the whole landscape with it and fills its volume with sea life. It’s majestic, joyful and moving as the way nature intended. Beautiful motion.

I realize I am in a phase of my life now that I am tentatively calling “the good happy lonely”. I’m a woman on the verge of the next phase of my life and trying to enjoy the present while all of life fills itself inside me. That makes me happy. The price of all that happy is an equal or greater amount of sadness sometimes. But I have to know deep inside me that the wave will grow strong again even when I don’t feel it will.

The price of all this happy is sometimes laying on a mattress in the middle of the floor and feeling a void. The price of all that happy is a vulnerable feeling that I’m exposed as a fraud to everyone who knows me, false as that assumption may be. The price of all that happy is some sweat, tears and pain. The price of all that happy is sacrifice. The price of all that happy is some love lost over time.

But then I see a carton of truffle salt in the grocery store and I think – the world cannot be so bad. This savory fruit of the sea exists, and just like the sea will rise with me again.

May the price of all your happy be the strength to fight for it and let things go. May the price of all your happy be presence. May you ride your life like a gentle wave and feel lighter in every step along the way. May the price of all that happy be a committed relationship to the wonderful, amazing soul that you are.

Sat Nam.

When Looking for Signs Goes Wrong – The Bunny Story

I’m trying to be a grounded spiritualist, but I’m constantly surrounded by puzzling signs. Some of them are wonderful, some of them are terrible. Here is an example of when looking for signs goes wrong, for those of us who are still waiting for that sign of destiny from the universe.

Last month I applied for a job that I truly wanted. The ache in my heart for everything this job offered : benefits, freedom, money, a mission and good healthy food on discount? My interview was on a day when the new moon was in Aries, my sun sign. For those of you unfamiliar with astrology, some of the signs in the new moon may auspiciously be supporting our causes on this planet – especially when the sign is similar to our own. The sun was shining, the interview went extremely well, even the lady at the jewelry shop next door told me the job was mine, and offered me a sublease in the area. “For WHEN you get it dear, WHEN you get it!”the kind old lady smiled at me and said.

This HAS to be a sign, I said to myself.

I failed to notice it was April Fool’s day. Got a call in the evening that they had offered the position to someone internally, but would call me at the end of the month with another job opening. Sign? Maybe not.

Fast forward to end of the month. A day astrologically auspicious to those at a crossroads. Offering balance, the grand cardinal cross was a time that signified the end of self-pity, and the beginning of an awakening into fullness.

Then I saw the bunny.

Outside the office window where I was working? The most adorable baby bunny in the world was munching on a green leaf and staring at me. I stared back at him.

bunny

“Everything is going to be as fine as I am adorable. Tee hee!!”

He was the cutest thing I had ever seen. We communicated. He stared at me and I stared at him and I felt so happy inside. This is a sign of fertility, of things moving, of freedom, of play. I felt so ready to accept what was mine : my dream of supporting myself and moving on into the next phase of my life was being supported by ADORABLE MOTHER NATURE!!

This HAS to be a sign, I said to myself.

I got the call. There was a job available, but for much less hours and much less pay than the previous job. I told the hiring manager that I had to think about it.

I felt sad. I had been waiting on baited breath for this destiny sign to make itself known to me. For the right thing to happen to me at the right time. It sucked. For about two minutes, I let the tears flow in the parking lot. Then I felt relief.

“Now I don’t have to wait on them anymore”…I thought. “Now I can have some freedom in decisions that were hindered by hope and looking everywhere but now.”

It’s amazing how good it feels when you don’t have to rely on the outside anymore to bring you everything you ever wanted. When you can check yourself with who you are rather than what you need. When you can let go of the bunny and really focus on what’s right in front of you. Everything you need you already have. 

I’m not saying it doesn’t suck when you hope for something and then it doesn’t turn out. I’m not saying that the joy in finding isn’t something worth searching for. But I hope in the next week that you find that all the strength, love and prosperity you have ever wanted is not what the bunny has. It’s what you have.

I hope that every missed opportunity is a direction for you. I hope every failure is leading you towards success on a ladder you want to climb. I hope prosperity follows you as you follow your heart. I hope you let love win when you are looking, and you let love be when you know who you are. I hope you make your life a two way mirror of love : looking up and looking in front of you in the glorious dance of the present. 

Sat Nam.

“the universe is counting on our belief
that faith is more powerful than fear
and in that the shifting moment
we’ll all remember why we’re here”
-from “Awaken”at MysticMamma.com

Knowing your Truth vs. Knowing Your Infinity

It’s impossible for me not to get excited about things that make me happy. If you told me that there is a 50/50 possibility that an adorable puppy CPA would do my taxes for me, lick my face AND get me a refund? Even if it’s a remote possibility I’d be wagging my own tail and thinking about how amazing my life would be post-puppy CPA…whom I am prematurely naming Agent Clive Barker. 

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Let’s talk about getting you a write-off for your stamps. But first? Scratch my BELLYYYYYYY.

Which is why there is a balance between knowing the truth about yourself, and knowing the truth about the impossible things that may happen for you when you are ready for them. 

I’ve had a crazy couple of days. Yesterday, I had an interview for a puppy-CPA of a job that I was SO convinced was mine. It had everything to make my dream of a living and a life – holistic atmosphere, flexible schedule, hours, benefits and a living wage. Not only that? I was extremely qualified for the position.

My heart was set on this being a decision made for me by the divine. This was a job being given to me by the universe for the 300+ resumes I had sent out during the month of March. After the interview, I went next door to a jewelry shop and the made friends with the lady at the counter, who after I described my qualifications? Told me she was SURE I had the job, and offered me a room for rent at her house in Pacifica if I wanted. 

Signs. Signs. Signs. 

Too bad it was April Fool’s day. 

After a mini- breakdown, I realized I had another interview the next day. I was dreading it. This was a possibility that I had only considered since I was on a hot streak with interviewing. Again, qualified for the position but scared of something that might not fit my lifestyle and long term goals. I have gotten to know the truth about what I was searching for lately, and it had discovered that money and freedom are two things that I really wanted to be partners in my newfound quest for happy. Is that a CPA Puppy? Maybe. But at this point, I was willing to hope that by knowing exactly what I wanted, it would show up for me when I least expected it.

So I show up to the second interview. A start up company. Very new office, expanding, developing kind of place. Something that made me nervous but not frightened by possibility. I sit down with the staffing agent. We talk about my qualifications. It went pretty well. Honesty in shortcomings, integrity in answer, but professional and capable answers. The first thought that entered my head after the interview, I swear to the Puppy CPA? If I ever thought I quit acting because I sucked at it? Not true. That was the most honest I’ve ever been within the format of someone I’ve never been before. 

 It is so hard to carry the spiritual weight and range of the truth of who we are and the infinity of who we are meant to become. Maybe we are meant to do one kind of work, maybe another. Perhaps we have talents we haven’t discovered yet because we haven’t spent the time exploring. Knowing how to stay true to the person you are while still looking for the universal and infinite self is the battle we wage every day.

When we are confronted with this, sometimes we run. I felt like bolting the morning of. Call it nerves, call it wanting to be true to my soul, call it whatever you want. But then this amazing thing happened. The second half of the interview involved the managing members of the secretarial staff having lunch with me.

It was a really fun conversation.

The Assistant to the CEO and I found out we shared a birthday. The meeting room was called the “Charlie Chaplin Room” with a big picture of him behind us. Charlie, my interviewer, and I, were all born on April 16. I talked about my work as a production manager, all the things I enjoy doing, both in life and in work. Everything overlapped. We talked yoga, travel, Mean Girls, community, and all different things that made it fun to be there. Not only that? I sold a version of myself I didn’t know I was capable of before. A part of myself I had never considered to be functional in. 

And I made them laugh. That felt pretty good. 

I don’t know if I’ll get the job or if my next few weeks will be filled with more ups and downs. But I feel more confident now that if I can balance the truth of my infinity and the truth of myself? All will just become known with more information. 

May you know the truth of yourself and the truth of your infinity as they merge into one. May all prosperity come to you when you sit and be present with your inner light. May you be confident in your totality as you move towards balance. May truth be your identity. May that puppy I hired to look at my W2’s be as qualified as he promised he was in the interview. And if he wasn’t, may he still live a happy life rolling in the grass. 

Sat Nam

Be the Light : The Lesson of My History Crush

I have a girl crush on someone who has been dead for over 60 years. I’ve got it pretty bad. I want to buy her anything she would ever want, if she were to time travel to the future and discover H&M. I want to ask her everything, who was her first crush, what is her favorite ice cream flavor, what kind of person did she imagine herself to be when she grew up? I want to meet her family and walk with her in her neighborhood. I want BFF status, of course, but will settle for for MySpace top 8 circa 2003, when that mattered.

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Her name was Hanna Szenes. Born on July 17, 1921. Hannah enrolled in the British Army in 1943 and trained as an Airwoman 2nd Class in the Women’s Auxillary Army. One of 37 Jewish soldiers from Palestine who parachuted into Yugoslavia. The mission: rescue the Hungarian Jews who were about to be deported to death camps. On March 19, 1944 she and two other soldiers would land via parachute in war-torn Yugoslavia only to learn that the occupation of German soldiers had already taken place. They continued on to the Hungarian border only to be captured by the police, who found her British Transmitter and arrested her for treason.
When Hanna Szenes was in prison, she used mirrors to communicate messages of hope to other prisoners. She would sing during the long days and drew stars of David in the dust. She was tortured, put on trial and killed by a firing squad seven months after her capture. Seven months in which she told all those around her a simple message: hope is a light universal seen long after it is gone.

 

“There are stars whose radiance is visible on earth

though they have long been extinct.

There are people whose brilliance continues to light the world

though they are no longer among the living.

These lights are particularly bright when the night is dark.

They light the way for mankind. “ -Hannah Szenes

In Kundalini Yoga, you are given a spiritual name, by the universal teacher and divine Guru. The name given to me is the name I blog under, Nam Joti. It means One Who Shines with the Light of the Holy Name. Light of God, Lioness of God. If there is anything I can share with you today, its the idea that your inner light prevents you from being put into any prison. There is no external force that can put you in a cage that you haven’t submitted to. Hannah wrote the most beautiful poetry in a cage, she made the most wonderful example of how to be light when you are surrounded by darkness. 

Today, on the Spring Equinox, we are released from the prison of Winter. May you celebrate the light in your life today, whatever brings you joy and does not seek to harm. May you be the lighthouse in the darkest of prisons. May your love shine with the radiance of kindness and may you be prosperous because of it. May your light be so big it heals nations. May your light be a universal, loving light. 

Sat Nam

Giving Up on Giving Up – Karam Pad to Shakti Pad

I’m moving out of my parent’s house in less than 5 days. At nearly 29 years old, this would be a good time to move on with my life. I’m hungering for something different, a new life, new circumstances. So what did I do?

I got a haircut.

Then I recognized a pattern. Every 3-4 years my life seems to change completely. College, 4 years. New York, 4 years. Sonora, 3 years. Usually a drastic haircut happens a few months before a major shift. For some reason, I need to shed skins. I thought this came from my wanting to be an actress, but as I’ve retired from that profession I’ve seen more and more that I can hardly keep up with the changes I want to make for myself. 

There are stages of spiritual development we all must pass through in order to master ourselves, our destiny, and our tasks on this planet. The first stage is the apprentice, where you take everything in and absorb everything. Next is Karam Pad, where you align against discomfort, push your limits and test your knowledge. Shakti Pad is next. This is where you confront the ego. This is where you decide if your work is aimed onto the higher path or quit altogether.

There are lots of things I haven’t made it past the Shakti Pad with. Singing, Dancing, Typing, Crafting, Waitressing, Sales, Mime… all things that may or may not have given me spiritual fulfillment but for whatever reason I had to leave it behind.

But what if I’m leaving myself behind by giving up before an ultimate payoff? What if by focusing my mind I can focus myself to true destiny?

We can all be kind of good at a lot of things, but if you master something? REALLY put the time in and heart and get past the awkward phase? Miracles beyond your wildest dreams usually fall when you least expect it.

For the past few days I’ve been a little on edge. Old addictions and thoughts are popping up when I don’t need them. Old reminders the big fear : You’re just going to get a drastic haircut again and want to change everything in 3 years anyway. But will  you really change yourself in that time? 

I’ve wanted to hide these feelings. Hide from everyone, really. If my home for the past 3 years was a crowded movie theater, I feel like the person who is sneaking out the side door. I don’t want to bother anyone, I just want to leave. Secretly, I think I’m annoying everyone and no one will miss me. But publicly? I hope that once I leave, that cracks the light open for someone who feels stuck. That if I can seek a basic prosperity in a space where I don’t know the rules, anyone can. 

And this is where the next phase of my life is headed. I want to realize that I’m probably still in apprentice phase with myself. I need to cross over to the space where there is no ego. And in that way, I let go of not being good at things right now. My hope is that I keep doing what I love doing and the money, fun, adventure, space and balance appears. 

I have dreams. I want to work as a writer/producer and get paid good money working with talented people. I want to make pieces that people will think about. I want to share light, and make a difference for someone who I may never see or hear but who is affected by a message I have yet to send.

In the meantime, I accept that I have a lot of work to do if I am going to get to the Shakti Pad of myself. I promise to be present with the changes, and acknowledge that I may not be able to solve everything, do everything, or be everything to everyone. But if I can rise to the challenge of meeting my soul with grace, work at it every day, and seek joy in all I do? Then I will be fine.

I’m giving up on giving up on myself. Because I am the source of all that makes me powerful, graceful, and human. And that is enough. 

May we all develop as we are. May we all leave the spaces better than when we arrived. May we all embrace change. May we stick with our true gifts from God and leave what everyone expects us to be. May we be happy exactly as we are. May we prosper as we grow. May we love ourselves as we stumble through the change.