When Looking for Signs Goes Wrong – The Bunny Story

I’m trying to be a grounded spiritualist, but I’m constantly surrounded by puzzling signs. Some of them are wonderful, some of them are terrible. Here is an example of when looking for signs goes wrong, for those of us who are still waiting for that sign of destiny from the universe.

Last month I applied for a job that I truly wanted. The ache in my heart for everything this job offered : benefits, freedom, money, a mission and good healthy food on discount? My interview was on a day when the new moon was in Aries, my sun sign. For those of you unfamiliar with astrology, some of the signs in the new moon may auspiciously be supporting our causes on this planet – especially when the sign is similar to our own. The sun was shining, the interview went extremely well, even the lady at the jewelry shop next door told me the job was mine, and offered me a sublease in the area. “For WHEN you get it dear, WHEN you get it!”the kind old lady smiled at me and said.

This HAS to be a sign, I said to myself.

I failed to notice it was April Fool’s day. Got a call in the evening that they had offered the position to someone internally, but would call me at the end of the month with another job opening. Sign? Maybe not.

Fast forward to end of the month. A day astrologically auspicious to those at a crossroads. Offering balance, the grand cardinal cross was a time that signified the end of self-pity, and the beginning of an awakening into fullness.

Then I saw the bunny.

Outside the office window where I was working? The most adorable baby bunny in the world was munching on a green leaf and staring at me. I stared back at him.

bunny

“Everything is going to be as fine as I am adorable. Tee hee!!”

He was the cutest thing I had ever seen. We communicated. He stared at me and I stared at him and I felt so happy inside. This is a sign of fertility, of things moving, of freedom, of play. I felt so ready to accept what was mine : my dream of supporting myself and moving on into the next phase of my life was being supported by ADORABLE MOTHER NATURE!!

This HAS to be a sign, I said to myself.

I got the call. There was a job available, but for much less hours and much less pay than the previous job. I told the hiring manager that I had to think about it.

I felt sad. I had been waiting on baited breath for this destiny sign to make itself known to me. For the right thing to happen to me at the right time. It sucked. For about two minutes, I let the tears flow in the parking lot. Then I felt relief.

“Now I don’t have to wait on them anymore”…I thought. “Now I can have some freedom in decisions that were hindered by hope and looking everywhere but now.”

It’s amazing how good it feels when you don’t have to rely on the outside anymore to bring you everything you ever wanted. When you can check yourself with who you are rather than what you need. When you can let go of the bunny and really focus on what’s right in front of you. Everything you need you already have. 

I’m not saying it doesn’t suck when you hope for something and then it doesn’t turn out. I’m not saying that the joy in finding isn’t something worth searching for. But I hope in the next week that you find that all the strength, love and prosperity you have ever wanted is not what the bunny has. It’s what you have.

I hope that every missed opportunity is a direction for you. I hope every failure is leading you towards success on a ladder you want to climb. I hope prosperity follows you as you follow your heart. I hope you let love win when you are looking, and you let love be when you know who you are. I hope you make your life a two way mirror of love : looking up and looking in front of you in the glorious dance of the present. 

Sat Nam.

“the universe is counting on our belief
that faith is more powerful than fear
and in that the shifting moment
we’ll all remember why we’re here”
-from “Awaken”at MysticMamma.com
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Fear is a Brave Stone

Start, and the pressure will be off. Maybe not right away, maybe you aren’t even aware of the changes that are happening. But you’ll feel much better under pressure in the right direction than stuck in an old one. 

You know how the saying goes, a rolling stone gathers no moss. Something moving has no time to atrophy. But what I’m curious about is how that stone started to roll? Was he pushed off a hill? Did he get dislocated from a spot that was formerly secure? Did he grow from a small grain of sand which over time snowballed into a bigger, stronger stone?

Any of these can happen. But here’s how life works, according to a rolling stone:

1. The first three seconds of falling are going to be the most terrifying part of your trajectory. You are going to gather unfamiliar momentum and it’s going to scare you shitless.

2. After that, you are going to keep going and it won’t be as hard. But you still won’t know what’s at the end of your race. So keep racing.

3. If parts of you break off during the fall, you are going to have to leave them behind. True story.

4. You are falling as part of an organic landscape. Everything around you, the earth, the sky, gravity and all the elements in nature are supporting you, even though you don’t feel it. 

5. When you land, you are out of momentum until the next shift. But you have changed all the landscape around you by risking your fall, brave stone. Don’t take your new role for granted, because you may have to change it just as quickly.

6. You have fallen into a better place. Actually? I can’t say this for sure. But you have fallen and you are still here. So that’s something. Be grateful. 
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“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!”

 

May you be continually falling into better landscapes. May you trust the first three seconds of your fall are making the rest of your run easier. May you be truthful to your path, even when you feel pushed by it. May you fall with grace. May you land with ease. May you live with passion.

Sat Nam

Going Pro at Being Stupid

Try this : fake a laugh for 3 -7 minutes. Guaranteed? Within the first 5 minutes you will eventually have one or more organic laughs, because the idea of faking something for that long puts the body in an autonomic response.  Isn’t that amazing? If you get over your fear of looking stupid long enough, eventually you become yourself and do what feels good anyway. 

Today, I went for a run. After doing my laundry, inevitably I’m left with two mismatched dress socks and nothing else in the immediate vicinity that vaguely resembled a match. 

ImageWith every decision there are drawbacks and payoffs. To me, the day outside where I get the chance to be limitless far went below the risk of looking like a crazy vagrant who does hand dances when she runs. The fact that I had no pants on as well, probably didn’t help – (just kidding, but totally thought about it) and of course? My white shirt with a burrito stain on the front, making this an effortless, classy yet completely stupid look.

Then I went and sat at Starbucks, as usual, looking through the classified postings and nagging people who have never met me to take a look at my resume. I saw someone who shares the last name of a friend of mine, working for a production company. I was willing to be stupid enough to take his picture in public, although was completely discreet. 

But then I had an amazing thought : I’ve got my resume, why not walk up to him and ask if he needed anyone like me? If he’s in production, what’s the worst that could happen? He would say no, maybe. I would definitely not do this in Los Angeles, CA…but what is overbearing about this in Los Altos, CA? Smaller pool, he probably doesn’t get the chance to meet someone like me that often, even if he is annoyed, all I do is be quick and judge the situation as it is…what if-

And then he walked out the door. Granted, it was at the exact same time I was scheduled to have a phone interview, but it would have taken me 3 minutes tops to make an elevator pitch about my skills. 

Dammit, do you mean I wasted this day being stupid like an AMETEUR, and then I get the chance to do something PROFESIONALLY stupid, for something I cared about and I let it WALK OUT THE DOOR? 

This week, don’t make the same mistake I did. I hope you look stupid for the things you really want and can laugh at yourself about the absurdity in small things. I hope you become professionally stupid. I hope you fall stupid in love for things that make you happy. I hope you are stupid enough to follow them. 

Sat Nam. 

 

Mars and the Marshmallow Test

Temptation is a bitch. Building, releasing in such small increments, no reward on the horizon. But then I learned a valuable phrase this week “Thank you, but I am waiting to hear back from other opportunities that may be a better fit”.

The new moon is in Aries this month, and the inner warrior is giving prime opportunity to let things happen that is never before thought possible. Spending time meditating on the warrior, the person you are becoming and a life you never thought possible for yourself? Prime time to do so.

Which brings me to an experiment that I keep bringing up when trying to build a future. A study done at Stanford looked at the effect of delayed gratification in children, what is famously known as the Marshmallow Experiment.

In this study, they offered children a choice : one marshmallow now or the treat of your choice later. A hard choice for any of us to make, especially for children. Only one third of the children studied even dared to wait for the second marshmallow. Knowing what I do of myself at that age? I’m not sure I would have had the patience then, either.

But here’s what they found in a continued study of these subjects : those who waited for the second marshmallow had better SAT scores, more advanced education and a lower Body Mass Index. Those who have the mental capacity to wait have the mobility to transform.

This month, our Mars warrior inside of us needs to advance forward. More than ever, he has the opportunity to overcome massive obstacles and grow in success. But we have to look at what kind of warrior we want to be : the kind who plows through the unknown with panic and fear, or the one who patiently waits for his destiny to land on his shoulder.

I know what I want in a future, because I know what I want at present. I know who I am and I know why I came to this planet. But I am willing to sit at Starbucks, answering emails, filling out applications, and seeking the spiritual and creative community I was born to serve. And yes, I am also willing to listen to the 3rd playing of “Shiny Happy People”, that is on the Starbucks soundtrack of the month.

Onward and In Place to Victory.

May you find your center so all things may come to you. May your Mars Warrior move forward by finding the silent place inside. May your destiny be so clear that you are willing to go through fire to fight for it. May all bits of your life’s information come to serve you, as you learn to serve others. May you be prosperous, victorious and strong.

Sat Nam

Why the Sweedish Chef is My Favorite Muppet

Because he does what he loves, even though no one understands him. I want to be just like that.

May your bork be borkity bork bork. May your bork shine through the dimensions of derpity flerpity berk. May all power, love and prosperity be borkity bork derp dorp.

Happy April Fool’s day, readers!

Sat Nam (Translated from Gurmukhi : Bork)

sweedish chef

Conscious Uncoupling : What Gwen Got Right and What She Missed

Everyone has built their image on an ideal version of themselves. Gwenyth has made a career of being the public face of perfection, classist trendsetting in the guise of self-help and a spiritual guru personality that feeds the other half of her Hollywood persona. We love to hate the projected image of perfection, but every time we throw stones we are cutting down our own authentic self. By hating Gwenyth, and for that matter, ANYONE who we think is better than us we are subconsciously saying that we think of ourselves as less than ideal.

Which is why when I read her article conscious uncoupling, as part of the Goopy website we love to hate, her two staff writers Dr. Habeeb Sandeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami got some points in that work with the current discussion on marriage.

“Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. This is not to suggest that there aren’t couples who happily make these milestones—we all hope that we’re one of them.”

An excellent and true point. But like Gwenyth’s persona, the article only hits on the shallow end of the truth. We aren’t biologically meant to be monogomous, maybe. But where do we find the most growth and personal satisfaction? Through the commitments we make. Someone who we learn to live with is the greatest teacher when we are facing the ugly parts of ourselves. Should we stay with that person forever?

Science is evolving. Human beings are living longer lives. Back in the days of hunter gatherers? Partnership was about having someone warm to sleep next to when the cave got cold. Having someone to hunt and help you find what limited resources of food and shelter you had. Now we have therapists to help us discover “what our needs are” when it was formerly? Elk. Maybe we aren’t made to be with someone for a long time, but aren’t we focusing entirely on the emotional side of survival when it comes to marriage?

Hillary Clinton. Another power woman who stayed in a marriage long after it may have been emotionally over. But in spite of 1998, she stayed. Now I’m not saying this is what works for everyone and infidelity is definitely something that needs to be considered when deciding if the long term will work. But what I love about her is that she knows that the Clinton Empire – her work in justice and politics, philanthropy, dreams of being the president? Meant more than one tiny blowjob in the office. Her needs of survival was based on her aspirations, and so she was willing to be vulnerable for the longevity of the empire. I respect that. I hope if I ever have built something with an emotional partner I have the good sense to keep the sex out of it, even if it was with someone I was married to.

Another thing Gwenyth might have missed out on, unfortunately, being a public figure with an image to keep? Opening her relationship. Because her relationship was on such a pedestal of perfection, and if the press found out they would publicly shame her? I’m sure she never considered the idea lest being found out. She speaks openly about the shame of separation saying:

“What we don’t realize is that while a full body shield may offer a level of self-protection, it’s also a form of self-imprisonment that locks us inside a life that repeats the same mistakes over and over again.”

Welcome to celebrity, the land of self-imprisonment and expected perfection. But what this passage lacks is the idea that when we commit to someone, we aren’t trapped in who that person is but freed by the merging that constantly exists with a changing personality. What she fails to say is what makes couples feel trapped is the lack of ability to change, grow, and fail together. Maybe none of that was an option. Maybe the self-imprisonment in relationships is the idea that it has to stay exactly the same, be good all the time, or never grow in its boundaries.

Now here is where there is a lot of contradiction, even though the message is clear :

“The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone.”

What she doesn’t say, is that there are spiritual marriages that go beyond what is the expected norm of partnership. I have marriage contracts with friends, that they will be there when I get old because I want to have someone to talk to. I have marriage contacts with people creatively, when I make films or sing or write I get an intimate knowledge of that person and I appreciate them for the exposed self they let me get to witness. I appreciate them for the exposure they let me experience, as I make myself vulnerable. I have a marriage contract with my parents, and as they age I am going to take care of their needs as they have taken care of mine.

What Gwenyth is missing in all this? Because she has kids with her former husband, she is going to be partnered with him for the rest of her life. They are going to have to make decisions together, debate ethical questions of parenthood together, and decide how to make them feel loved when all is changing. She will be partnered with Chris Martin for the rest of her life because they made a celebrity empire, but their personal empire is the two lives whose DNA is shared between them.

We have marriage contracts all around us with people, we just aren’t judged by the way they are conducted so rigidly when they don’t define traditional marriage.

My hero, Dan Savage, has been with his homosexual partner, Terry Miller for over 20 years. He has a son who is sixteen. He has a public image and a private one. But he has 4 things going for him that Gwenyth does not:

A) Resistance – When you have the whole Christian Right shouting at your back that your marriage is doomed to send you to hell? It probably doesn’t matter who forgot to do the dishes. The resistance from the outside makes the love on the inside stronger. They are human rights activists, and like Hillary, have realized that the “It Gets Better” empire they have built? More important than all the Savage Love empire, or helping someone find a better buttplug. They have made their marriage about helping people in their community, and changed the definition of marriage by doing so. 

B) Open to Interpretation – They have what they call a “manogom-ish” situation. They are manogomous but they sleep with other people because they know themselves. I’m willing to bet that they sleep with less other people now then they did when they first met and were on the scene more. Just like all of us, the lust fades and you want someone to make you laugh. As they age, their sexual and human identity becomes open to their own interpretation. 

C) It was never about Biology – If marriage is truly for a man and a woman to copulate and have kids? They would have separated years ago. They have a deep respect for each other that defines things only on the terms that they want to work with. 

D) Instagram – Terry is a model for Mr. Turk. Doesn’t hurt when you have this to wake up to every morning. Everyone will eventually get ugly, sag, and not look like it did twenty years ago. But I’ll bet you Terry will still be in his underwear no matter what he looks like, because they find ways to keep things fun. 

So yeah, the idea of being everything to everyone is kind of…what Gwenyth Paltrow has built her career on. I’m very sorry that she is going through this separation because even if you are Gwenyth Paltrow you have feelings.

Just like any other person in this, I’m a spectator. No one knows but Gwen and Chris how this could have ended. And just like everyone else, I wanted to discover that they both were secret leather fetishists who had huge orgies on Restoration Hardware furniture.

I hope that this week, you discover the place within yourself that loves your relationships in their imperfections. I encourage you to open yourself to every relationship you have – with family, friends, loved ones, and forget what is missing in your romantic relationship. I hope that if you break up, get divorced, get back together? You feel loved because of the love you give yourself. I hope you choose to love in spite of what comes crashing down around you, even if that includes your relationship. I hope you live in authentic relationships with yourself and make peace with the world around you. I hope you are happy.

Why My Career Needs a Big Wheel

It was hard to say no to $20.00 an hour, 40 hours a week serving as production manager for another feature. The job would have been three months out of Freemont, introduced me to many different hard working people in the Bay Area, and given me some real challenges in a field I have really loved working for. But I need some big wheels until my little ones can run on their own. 

Now what do I mean by this? Imagine your life as a series of gears, all moving together. Big wheels are what give you the most support and stability. Career, Health, Family, Spiritual Life, Community, Partner/Romance. Things move slower with the big wheels because things are less likely to change on those rotors. Not everyone’s big wheel is the same. Someone’s spiritual life might be going to church, it might be finding art in a museum. One person’s definition of family differs from the next, but they are stable and give a sense of connectivity. Romance might be a partner or it might be learning how to fall in love with yourself.

But what’s the key in the big wheel? Stability. Even Bear Grylls takes a knife with him when he goes into the woods, and he isn’t completely on his own  – let’s not forget there is a cameraman there. The poor bastard.

ImageThen you have your little wheels. Those are the things that fill in the gaps – passions, hobbies, adventures, love, entertainment. Those are things that don’t have to be huge, they just need to be what makes you blissfully happy. For me, that is my yoga, my friends, film making, writing, travel and challenging my whole self  to discover. That is laughing and sweating every day with purpose.

At certain times, things won’t always be moving forward. Big wheels will fall off. Little wheels will stop making us feel something. It truly is a lucky thing to have your big wheels and your little wheels be the same thing – to be so at one with yourself that you draw forth the opportunity to let all things be supported by themselves. 

I know to support a passion project you must support yourself – and I know that if I was to take that job that I would spend 3 months completely dedicated to it becoming a reality and none for making a stable place for myself in this world. I feel the same way about passion projects right now as I do about boyfriends – I would love to have one but I need to make sure that I’m stable enough to get into it.

So how do I handle the time in between boyfriends? When I need a big wheel so I can’ t do much of my little wheel? I’m going to see my family and friends, the big wheel I can always count on. I’m going to a film panel this weekend talking about DIY filmmaking and try to meet people. I’m going to continue to search for a big wheel that supports my little wheel. I’m going to continue to follow my big dreams and be big enough to let some little ones go for now.

May all your big wheels be stable. May all your little wheels bring you joy. May both work together. If you can’t travel to India, may you find the best Indian Cuisine and di May both be the same, someday. May you live in pursuit of balance because of glorious self-love. May you be happy.

Sat Nam

Sweat and Sweatpants

 Imagine a career woman, chasing down her dreams in a suit and high heels, sweating out the particulars of her day with grace and intelligence. Imagine her idiot sister, in sweatpants on the couch watching Juan Pablo and dreaming of her fantasy wedding. Sweat and Sweatpants. 

We are both sweat and sweatpants when it comes to walking a spiritual path. Equal parts fear and commitment. Going through the sweatpants phase to feel the power of your sweat and swagger. 

I’m very lucky that I had time to process some major changes in relationship, health and personal mission. Took me a month to feel it, a month to isolate and cleanse the specific traumas, another month to stand back up on my feet and launch. Yesterday, I had a bit of a sweatpants relapse when I made some less-than-productive choices on an ever changing Silicon Valley Monday. Wolf of Wall Street versus more applications? GAHHHHHH…HOW DO I CHOOSE???

A missed connection, a fantasy of something you know you can’t have but want it for that very reason, noticing differences in the people around me, envy and protestations of sleep. Protestations of LOTS of sleep. Sensory feelings of things you don’t even imagine happening, being mean to myself. Not appreciating the life that I’ve been given and the chances I have had. 

So your ex didn’t write you back, so you can’t be where you need to be right NOW. So you are having trouble getting up at 5am to do yoga, and you didn’t run until the afternoon. So you feel like the only turbine on the engine called your life. 

How do we isolate these feelings when we thought we got rid of them before?

In traditions of the yogic path, we have our Karmas and we have our Dharmas. Karma is what happens to you in this lifetime, cause and effect. Dharma is the behavior path that we take in order to transcend earthly needs, to walk the path of enlightenment. When we move through the Karmas with enlightened purpose, behavior, and a neutral mind, our Karma becomes Dharma. All of our residuals become another obstacle because our total destiny is being served through action. 

Some days, hours, minutes, or thoughts can be measured in sweat. That is Dharma, divine action of working through your problems so you can just be. Karma is when those thoughts become too big and you give up, or fall to fantasy and refuse to accept the present as it is. Wearing yoga pants without going to yoga class…we’ve all been there, right? 

So accept for now, that your life will not always be sweat. But may you have the courage this week to get through your sweatpants phases and move into divine clarity. May you eat your karma for breakfast, lunch and dinner and transcend through action. May you let go of what you have done wrong and make peace with what you have done right. May you forgive yourself for the less than divine task of being perfect you think you are capable of. May you feel motion, momentum, and love for yourself through all phases of your life. May you be free.

Sat Nam. 

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This is what progress looks like.