Sweat and Sweatpants

 Imagine a career woman, chasing down her dreams in a suit and high heels, sweating out the particulars of her day with grace and intelligence. Imagine her idiot sister, in sweatpants on the couch watching Juan Pablo and dreaming of her fantasy wedding. Sweat and Sweatpants. 

We are both sweat and sweatpants when it comes to walking a spiritual path. Equal parts fear and commitment. Going through the sweatpants phase to feel the power of your sweat and swagger. 

I’m very lucky that I had time to process some major changes in relationship, health and personal mission. Took me a month to feel it, a month to isolate and cleanse the specific traumas, another month to stand back up on my feet and launch. Yesterday, I had a bit of a sweatpants relapse when I made some less-than-productive choices on an ever changing Silicon Valley Monday. Wolf of Wall Street versus more applications? GAHHHHHH…HOW DO I CHOOSE???

A missed connection, a fantasy of something you know you can’t have but want it for that very reason, noticing differences in the people around me, envy and protestations of sleep. Protestations of LOTS of sleep. Sensory feelings of things you don’t even imagine happening, being mean to myself. Not appreciating the life that I’ve been given and the chances I have had. 

So your ex didn’t write you back, so you can’t be where you need to be right NOW. So you are having trouble getting up at 5am to do yoga, and you didn’t run until the afternoon. So you feel like the only turbine on the engine called your life. 

How do we isolate these feelings when we thought we got rid of them before?

In traditions of the yogic path, we have our Karmas and we have our Dharmas. Karma is what happens to you in this lifetime, cause and effect. Dharma is the behavior path that we take in order to transcend earthly needs, to walk the path of enlightenment. When we move through the Karmas with enlightened purpose, behavior, and a neutral mind, our Karma becomes Dharma. All of our residuals become another obstacle because our total destiny is being served through action. 

Some days, hours, minutes, or thoughts can be measured in sweat. That is Dharma, divine action of working through your problems so you can just be. Karma is when those thoughts become too big and you give up, or fall to fantasy and refuse to accept the present as it is. Wearing yoga pants without going to yoga class…we’ve all been there, right? 

So accept for now, that your life will not always be sweat. But may you have the courage this week to get through your sweatpants phases and move into divine clarity. May you eat your karma for breakfast, lunch and dinner and transcend through action. May you let go of what you have done wrong and make peace with what you have done right. May you forgive yourself for the less than divine task of being perfect you think you are capable of. May you feel motion, momentum, and love for yourself through all phases of your life. May you be free.

Sat Nam. 

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This is what progress looks like. 

Bang Head On Desk – Staying Present

I am a daydreamer. Always have been, ever since I was seven and my mother signed me up for youth soccer. I spent the entire time playing with my pigtails, chasing butterflies, and making cut-grass angels. As I get older the problem becomes that the daydreams have taken over to include entire lives that I’m not sure I’m capable of leading. There is so much part of being human that is constantly dissatisfied, so we are given to these fits of fantasy.

For example: 

I’m applying for a job that I might actually be good at. I find it on Craigslist, and I open an email to describe my skills. This has been a long search for jobs that I am not at all qualified for, but this one has software I am familiar with, an environment I might do well in, and skills that may transfer. Hallelujiah!

But then, I start the fantasy. If I work at this job for 30 hours a week, then that gives me some flexibility and time to apply for production manager positions, to expand my career, to write more, to travel, to live the FULL EXPECTED LIFE OF A CAREER WOMAN ON THE VERGE OF FINDING HERSELF!! YES!! 

Send.

Without, of course, the resume attachment. 

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So what do I attempt to do? 

Bang. Head. On. Desk. It’s an acronym, of course for act of remembering how to take it back to where you are.

B, H – Be Here. All Present Sensations. All things that can be are here for you now. If you are having trouble feeling this, try to breathe through your nostrils alternately closing one side each time. Left, then Right, then Alternate. Do that for as long as you need to until you feel present.

O, D – Open, Divine. Once you have finished maintaining present consciousness, feel the process of opening. Feel your heart creating your present situation for you. Close your eyes and connect to that heart, and imagine that energy expanding until it reaches around the city block. Then the sky. Then across the seas. Then through space and time. Feel that divine energy inside you.

May all of your fantasies be present with your conscious self. May your fantasies be seen through the lens of your current reality. May you become present and real. May you believe in the power of your open, divine self. May you have infinity in the presence of your soul.

Sat Nam. 

Aside

Vices and Vegetables : Echoes of a Cleanse

No booze, no caffeine, no sugar, no dairy. Nothing left…so what do I start thinking about ALL the time?

Sex.

Oh my god, sex is the one thing healthy that Gwenyth Paltrow can’t ruin. And yet, it’s still robbing me of subconscious protein…establishing trust, relationships, learning how not to lie to people and how to change myself first before I can save others.

And yet all I can think about is how nice it would be to invite some raw cucumbers into my salad. GOD I DID IT AGAIN!!!

I’m not trying to be a purist. Everyone should have a healthy relationship with their libido, a drive is a drive. But I’m trying to figure out why I’m piecing together my shame spiral of self-hatred and what’s blocking my way is this tiger mind.

Here’s what they don’t tell you about cleansing. When you have no more vices left?

The only vices you have are your thoughts.

If we take ourselves by what our thoughts are, we discover where we are aiming our lives. We become the victims of our own numbness and patterns we feel we can’t control.

I can’t pretend things aren’t lonely anymore. So my mind sends me a thought that I can escape every fear I have with some kind of fantasy. A fantasy that takes me away from reality. Far from appreciation of the life I have, but into posession of a life I am desparate for. Far from living in the present, I’m presenting myself with a pattern of distraction.

In the coming months of the new year, may all your thoughts be pointed towards dreams of the present. May fantasies become realities through the moment lived. May every feeling, emotion and reaction you have become acknowledged and cleansed when you don’t need them anymore. May you eat all the things that make you healthy and soulful, may you give yourself space to be whole. Be you.

Sat Nam.