Knots

Patchy foggy pieces of information in bulk are far worse than small amounts of clarity. When you look at a big tangle of knots, you see parts of the rope that once were straight. You can see their entry and exit into the frayed tangle of mess – have some idea of where they are going and what parts of the whole they represent. You see the pattern of their relationship with the entire messy tangle, maybe you might even be able to see which parts they are connected to.

I’ve come to a point in my climb up career mountain that gets pieces of information at a time. One job offer fails, the other one calls. I have a great interview and then a terrible one. I can tell the instant I’m doing well and when I’m faking it for the sake of a paycheck. Each one of these experiences are tiny knots to untie.

For example. I’m sitting in a warehouse in San Carlos with two commercial directors. I’m enjoying myself. I’m talking about past experiences and future offers of help. They are engaged, and open to potentially take what I am offering on the table. This, like a few other production leads, will go nowhere. Both parties have not received enough information, because they are each untangling knots of their own.

I don’t know it yet, but I need a big wheel job to pay for my base expenses before I can even THINK of taking on this project. They don’t know it yet, but they can’t really present me a valuable offer without looking at their budget first and knowing exactly what kind of person they need. We both are learning things, and we part knowing that we aren’t right for each other. Sadly, this is the best version of a date I’ve had in months.

And so it goes. This applies to personal knots as well. I only know enough about the next relationship, the next adventure, and the next part of my life I want to experience based on what I untangle.

Then there are those huge, messy, lifelong knots – the ones the mind keeps going over. My emotional attachment to unavailable men, the low feelings of self-worth and coming from a place of lack, performance anxiety, financial instability, emotional eating, and the conscious choice of what I’m thinking is true about myself versus what actually is – conformity to norm versus my truth.

When your mind is constantly focusing on the unmanagable task – taking the smallest part of a messy rope and saying “This is what I’m learning right now. When I learn what part of the whole this is connected to, then I can solve the bigger problem.”

May your knots in the coming weeks be broken down into small tasks. May the information be clear. May you have the courage to follow your true intuition, and trust that the knot was once strong rope. May you have the patience to let time manage the unmanagable knots. May you be fearless in your pursuit of your soul’s mystery. May you unravel your destiny one piece of rope at a time.

Sat Nam

knots

O time! thou must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me to untie!
– Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, Viola 2.2.40

Sweat and Sweatpants

 Imagine a career woman, chasing down her dreams in a suit and high heels, sweating out the particulars of her day with grace and intelligence. Imagine her idiot sister, in sweatpants on the couch watching Juan Pablo and dreaming of her fantasy wedding. Sweat and Sweatpants. 

We are both sweat and sweatpants when it comes to walking a spiritual path. Equal parts fear and commitment. Going through the sweatpants phase to feel the power of your sweat and swagger. 

I’m very lucky that I had time to process some major changes in relationship, health and personal mission. Took me a month to feel it, a month to isolate and cleanse the specific traumas, another month to stand back up on my feet and launch. Yesterday, I had a bit of a sweatpants relapse when I made some less-than-productive choices on an ever changing Silicon Valley Monday. Wolf of Wall Street versus more applications? GAHHHHHH…HOW DO I CHOOSE???

A missed connection, a fantasy of something you know you can’t have but want it for that very reason, noticing differences in the people around me, envy and protestations of sleep. Protestations of LOTS of sleep. Sensory feelings of things you don’t even imagine happening, being mean to myself. Not appreciating the life that I’ve been given and the chances I have had. 

So your ex didn’t write you back, so you can’t be where you need to be right NOW. So you are having trouble getting up at 5am to do yoga, and you didn’t run until the afternoon. So you feel like the only turbine on the engine called your life. 

How do we isolate these feelings when we thought we got rid of them before?

In traditions of the yogic path, we have our Karmas and we have our Dharmas. Karma is what happens to you in this lifetime, cause and effect. Dharma is the behavior path that we take in order to transcend earthly needs, to walk the path of enlightenment. When we move through the Karmas with enlightened purpose, behavior, and a neutral mind, our Karma becomes Dharma. All of our residuals become another obstacle because our total destiny is being served through action. 

Some days, hours, minutes, or thoughts can be measured in sweat. That is Dharma, divine action of working through your problems so you can just be. Karma is when those thoughts become too big and you give up, or fall to fantasy and refuse to accept the present as it is. Wearing yoga pants without going to yoga class…we’ve all been there, right? 

So accept for now, that your life will not always be sweat. But may you have the courage this week to get through your sweatpants phases and move into divine clarity. May you eat your karma for breakfast, lunch and dinner and transcend through action. May you let go of what you have done wrong and make peace with what you have done right. May you forgive yourself for the less than divine task of being perfect you think you are capable of. May you feel motion, momentum, and love for yourself through all phases of your life. May you be free.

Sat Nam. 

Image

This is what progress looks like.