Emotional Resonance and Relationships

Every once in awhile, if you are very lucky or very unfortunate, something resonates at such a deep level with you that your vibration changes. 

Now I’m not talking about romantic love, or finding that perfect person with the use of vibration or mantra…that is an element of spiritual practice I feel has been exploited lately – the use of using your higher consciousness because you want a boyfriend. I see it all the time, take this webinar, bring the miracle man of your dreams towards you, relationships are the highest yoga.

I’m not trying to seem undermining of any of these pursuits, finding a partner is important to those who have authenticity in their lives through partnership. But what seems to be missing is what people are REALLY searching for : someone who vibrates on the same emotional resonance. 

It doesn’t matter if that is a romantic relationship, family relationship, friend, work associate, teacher, or any other role that is constructed by humans. We aren’t responsible for those with emotional resonance that come into our lives, nor are we expected to define it? 

Did Harper Lee and Truman Capote feel the need to define their friendship? Do Bill and Hillary choose their sexual relationship over their empire, and if they didn’t how less powerful would they be together? Did Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan’s teacher-student relationship end just because Helen learned to READ?

If you are lucky in this life, you might find a romantic partner or several. If you are prosperous on top of fortune itself you find love that doesn’t expect anything in return. If you have won the lottery, you find someone whose very heart beats with yours and shares your every victory and defeat.

If this person or these people have an emotional resonance that echoes at the very core of your true identity? Don’t settle for a title. Don’t settle for having it be anything but what it is. The more you try to own it the more it will elude you. Let it land on your shoulder exactly as it is and don’t feel scared if it leaves. If you have felt it from the source of the soul, it will never leave you.

May you find the emotional resonance within yourself so that your frequencies heal. May you call upon the person or tribe that shakes you up, makes you happy and does not lie. May you clear the pathway towards your heart so that you call upon the highest emotional frequencies. May you feel guided, loved and protected by those who share your light. May your frequency be a universal sound of love. 

Sat Nam

Conscious Uncoupling : What Gwen Got Right and What She Missed

Everyone has built their image on an ideal version of themselves. Gwenyth has made a career of being the public face of perfection, classist trendsetting in the guise of self-help and a spiritual guru personality that feeds the other half of her Hollywood persona. We love to hate the projected image of perfection, but every time we throw stones we are cutting down our own authentic self. By hating Gwenyth, and for that matter, ANYONE who we think is better than us we are subconsciously saying that we think of ourselves as less than ideal.

Which is why when I read her article conscious uncoupling, as part of the Goopy website we love to hate, her two staff writers Dr. Habeeb Sandeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami got some points in that work with the current discussion on marriage.

“Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. This is not to suggest that there aren’t couples who happily make these milestones—we all hope that we’re one of them.”

An excellent and true point. But like Gwenyth’s persona, the article only hits on the shallow end of the truth. We aren’t biologically meant to be monogomous, maybe. But where do we find the most growth and personal satisfaction? Through the commitments we make. Someone who we learn to live with is the greatest teacher when we are facing the ugly parts of ourselves. Should we stay with that person forever?

Science is evolving. Human beings are living longer lives. Back in the days of hunter gatherers? Partnership was about having someone warm to sleep next to when the cave got cold. Having someone to hunt and help you find what limited resources of food and shelter you had. Now we have therapists to help us discover “what our needs are” when it was formerly? Elk. Maybe we aren’t made to be with someone for a long time, but aren’t we focusing entirely on the emotional side of survival when it comes to marriage?

Hillary Clinton. Another power woman who stayed in a marriage long after it may have been emotionally over. But in spite of 1998, she stayed. Now I’m not saying this is what works for everyone and infidelity is definitely something that needs to be considered when deciding if the long term will work. But what I love about her is that she knows that the Clinton Empire – her work in justice and politics, philanthropy, dreams of being the president? Meant more than one tiny blowjob in the office. Her needs of survival was based on her aspirations, and so she was willing to be vulnerable for the longevity of the empire. I respect that. I hope if I ever have built something with an emotional partner I have the good sense to keep the sex out of it, even if it was with someone I was married to.

Another thing Gwenyth might have missed out on, unfortunately, being a public figure with an image to keep? Opening her relationship. Because her relationship was on such a pedestal of perfection, and if the press found out they would publicly shame her? I’m sure she never considered the idea lest being found out. She speaks openly about the shame of separation saying:

“What we don’t realize is that while a full body shield may offer a level of self-protection, it’s also a form of self-imprisonment that locks us inside a life that repeats the same mistakes over and over again.”

Welcome to celebrity, the land of self-imprisonment and expected perfection. But what this passage lacks is the idea that when we commit to someone, we aren’t trapped in who that person is but freed by the merging that constantly exists with a changing personality. What she fails to say is what makes couples feel trapped is the lack of ability to change, grow, and fail together. Maybe none of that was an option. Maybe the self-imprisonment in relationships is the idea that it has to stay exactly the same, be good all the time, or never grow in its boundaries.

Now here is where there is a lot of contradiction, even though the message is clear :

“The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone.”

What she doesn’t say, is that there are spiritual marriages that go beyond what is the expected norm of partnership. I have marriage contracts with friends, that they will be there when I get old because I want to have someone to talk to. I have marriage contacts with people creatively, when I make films or sing or write I get an intimate knowledge of that person and I appreciate them for the exposed self they let me get to witness. I appreciate them for the exposure they let me experience, as I make myself vulnerable. I have a marriage contract with my parents, and as they age I am going to take care of their needs as they have taken care of mine.

What Gwenyth is missing in all this? Because she has kids with her former husband, she is going to be partnered with him for the rest of her life. They are going to have to make decisions together, debate ethical questions of parenthood together, and decide how to make them feel loved when all is changing. She will be partnered with Chris Martin for the rest of her life because they made a celebrity empire, but their personal empire is the two lives whose DNA is shared between them.

We have marriage contracts all around us with people, we just aren’t judged by the way they are conducted so rigidly when they don’t define traditional marriage.

My hero, Dan Savage, has been with his homosexual partner, Terry Miller for over 20 years. He has a son who is sixteen. He has a public image and a private one. But he has 4 things going for him that Gwenyth does not:

A) Resistance – When you have the whole Christian Right shouting at your back that your marriage is doomed to send you to hell? It probably doesn’t matter who forgot to do the dishes. The resistance from the outside makes the love on the inside stronger. They are human rights activists, and like Hillary, have realized that the “It Gets Better” empire they have built? More important than all the Savage Love empire, or helping someone find a better buttplug. They have made their marriage about helping people in their community, and changed the definition of marriage by doing so. 

B) Open to Interpretation – They have what they call a “manogom-ish” situation. They are manogomous but they sleep with other people because they know themselves. I’m willing to bet that they sleep with less other people now then they did when they first met and were on the scene more. Just like all of us, the lust fades and you want someone to make you laugh. As they age, their sexual and human identity becomes open to their own interpretation. 

C) It was never about Biology – If marriage is truly for a man and a woman to copulate and have kids? They would have separated years ago. They have a deep respect for each other that defines things only on the terms that they want to work with. 

D) Instagram – Terry is a model for Mr. Turk. Doesn’t hurt when you have this to wake up to every morning. Everyone will eventually get ugly, sag, and not look like it did twenty years ago. But I’ll bet you Terry will still be in his underwear no matter what he looks like, because they find ways to keep things fun. 

So yeah, the idea of being everything to everyone is kind of…what Gwenyth Paltrow has built her career on. I’m very sorry that she is going through this separation because even if you are Gwenyth Paltrow you have feelings.

Just like any other person in this, I’m a spectator. No one knows but Gwen and Chris how this could have ended. And just like everyone else, I wanted to discover that they both were secret leather fetishists who had huge orgies on Restoration Hardware furniture.

I hope that this week, you discover the place within yourself that loves your relationships in their imperfections. I encourage you to open yourself to every relationship you have – with family, friends, loved ones, and forget what is missing in your romantic relationship. I hope that if you break up, get divorced, get back together? You feel loved because of the love you give yourself. I hope you choose to love in spite of what comes crashing down around you, even if that includes your relationship. I hope you live in authentic relationships with yourself and make peace with the world around you. I hope you are happy.

Never Give Away Your Power

I met someone today I really admire, because she has a talent that I have never possessed in my life. She tells everyone exactly how she feels when she has those feelings, and she tells people what she needs. If you pronounce her name wrong? She corrects you. If she wants you to hold her hand, she says “Hold My Hand”. How many people do you know, including yourself, who never ask for what they need and give away all their emotional energy to maintaining the feelings and patterns of others?

This week, I’ve felt like I’ve been giving my power away – the stories I read on Facebook or the Internet, emotional boundaries that I constantly let people cross, Deadlines I’ve been meaning to meet but have given them to the time needed to devote to others. Patterns are popping up that I realize have been imprinted over YEARS.

Your emotional energy is like a free goodie bag from the drugstore. Most of it is crap, and everyone gets the same bag – fear, jealousy, anger, love, compassion, happiness. Usually the stuff you get in this bag has been handed to you based on previous emotional purchases you have made. Sometimes, you can make a really cool discovery – but beware of which drugs you wish to take and which drugs will make you break out in hives. They come in the same kind of package, and they make the same promises.

I’ve made a discovery this week that I have given a lot of my emotional power to those who are emotionally unavailable. It hurts to find this out, especially since all of these people from my past have understood me where most find me obtuse. In an effort to continue to treat myself like royalty, I have to turn my heart into the hope diamond. Keep it safe, let people admire it for what it is, but only let those who are truly qualified to handle it put their hands on it. 

Alright, now you might be thinking – well that’s HARSH. But what would be the worst part about shutting out those people who, whether they know it or not, are hurting you? I’m not saying cut off all contact or turn off every emotion you have towards someone. But limiting your exposure to the part of that person that hurts you? Might be the best thing for both of you. 

If someone toxic is calling? Don’t answer. If you know you don’t want to read something about someone you have been thinking about? Stay off Facebook. For fuck’s sake, don’t let anyone get away with making you feel like you have to do or be something you are not. If they threaten to leave you, let them.

Never give away your power. Ever. I’m not saying don’t love people, or feel things, or let people into your heart. But your heart is the Hope Diamond, more magnificent than any other gem on the planet. Let those who would admire you, admire you, and those who would try to break the glass never get in. Only let the gentle hands of the open-hearted and emotionally qualified scrub the surface of your already glorious soul.

May you stay away from all bullshit this week. That is all.

Sat Nam

 

Carl

I made someone cry today. In the middle of Starbucks. Personally, I hate crying in public and the fact that I put someone through that seems a little heavy. It started because I needed to plug in next to him, and we ended up sharing a table. He told me he liked my nose, but it was probably just because it was a nose that looked like his. 

I know what you are thinking – He’s hitting on her. He’s a psychopath. She’s naive. She doesn’t understand dynamics of men and women. She thinks this is neutral. She’s too trusting. He’s too open. Well let me address this before I continue – to a certain degree yes to all of these. But there is a grey area in between where, if no one is doing harm to the other, real conversation can happen between strangers. 

If for whatever reason, you feel safe opening up to someone and know in your heart they won’t take advantage? Do it. Practice vulnerability and magical things will happen. 

I mean, come on people, you fell for that black and white video of strangers making out, but someone chokes up in a Starbucks in front of a stranger for a real reason, and you are skeptics? Read on. 

Today is the anniversary of Carl’s father’s death. Carl’s father was the pastor, he his son. Carl’s father was hard on him, in his own way, he tried to show love. Carl would disobey, try to change his father’s mind and his dad wouldn’t change. My nose was his father’s nose – the Norwegian (yes, I am half Norwegian) nose that he recognized but couldn’t talk to…it was something he wasn’t expecting.

Nor was I. 

I never know what to say in these situations. I’m not a therapist, guru or advice columnist. Earlier today, a religious group knocked on my door and asked me to consider if money was the root of all evil, and if I would be willing to look at pamphlets. The unemployed sass monster in me wanted to tell them that if they had any evil lying around, I would put it to good use. But I don’t want to hate on people who feel so much joy in something they feel bound to share, so I politely told them I wasn’t willing to listen today. 

I NEVER want to be one of those people who forces their lifestyle or beliefs on others. I don’t want to pretend like I know the answer to everything, because like our conversation life seems to exist in a grey area of right, wrong, intimacy and truth. I don’t want to pretend like my answer to how I deal with problems is the universal answer, the universal healer. Because I don’t think what works for me works for everyone else. 

So I told him what I was feeling. Lucky, because I have two parents who are still alive and healthy. Blessed, because I know people who, right now who are setting an example of how to be a solid partner when someone goes through times of grief.  And I told him he should go home, tell his wife a sincere and truthful compliment because of all the sincere truths that his father gave him. In honor of the relationships lost, he should value the relationships present and blossoming. 

Carl didn’t seem too convinced. I texted a therapist friend of mine and asked how much I should charge him. She told me to bill him $100.00 an hour or repo his car. As an unlicensed solicitor of free advice, that just doesn’t feel right. But still, we live in a grey area.

May your day be filled with random connections that open your eyes. May you open up to someone and say what you need to say. May what you do to feel good be shared in a way that doesn’t limit, but open everyone’s pathways to kindness. May what you do to feel grounded and safe allow you to make positive changes in yourself and the lives of others. May you find ways to connect to people that you never thought possible. May you live through change. May you be at peace.

Sat Nam 

Emotionships – The Auric Imprint

Sex is like a movie. You may watch it with someone or alone, and your experience of it is totally different from the person next to you. You have different preferences, you want it to end one way or the other, but the discussion goes on in your mind. Did that really mean what I thought it meant? Was it even worth my time?

Imagine trying to remember who was that one actor from one time who you really liked but can’t remember his name? Sometimes our sexual partners stay with us in that way – at the back of our mind even when we don’t realize it. Wait, JON HAMM! Yeah, that’s that guy from that thing. 

After deeply knowing someone on an intimate level, whether that be a sexual parnter, friend, mentor, human connection, HOW do you know which parts of someone to keep and which to let go? Which stories do we know are truth when it comes to authentic relationships?

We all know these people : energetic pathways to our highest and most connected self. Whether that is sexual information, creative energetic information or love? It blurs sometimes. The people who know us on a basic level may not be sexual partners at all, but they leave an imprint on us that is difficult to decipher. Someone who sees our best self, has given to us when we did not expect generosity, or has seen us at our most vulnerable.

Here’s a way to pay them back for those kindnesses : remove all energy that NEEDS something. Remove all expectations, anticipations or attachments with them and be present with the love they have. If they have none left for you, then bless them and be on your way. If you are still able to give and receive selflessly with that person, then give stronger and take only what is given. 

I haven’t had the greatest history when it comes to remembering the lead or supporting actors/actresses in my sexual life. I got caught up in the Sex and the City hookup culture, enjoying reruns of a show that wasn’t relevant nor present to the actual needs of women. If according to Kundalini Yoga tradition, a sexual partner leaves pranic cavities in a woman’s aura? I may have more holes than swiss cheese filled with buckshot. 

For the most part, I’ve cleared up the majority of that sexual storytelling and been able to give love to someone unconditionally and with respect. But here comes the big challenge : how much of my thoughts go into the old relationship for the sake of a fantasy emotionship I may have? Emotionships, of course, are those tiny fantasy relationships in our minds that make us believe someone is what they are not for the sake of emotional safety. No surprise? These never work out. 

May your relationship with your higher consciousness be your top priority. May you never hunger for something that isn’t and be present with what is in your partner. May you give yourself an emotional energy colonic and forgive all the things that someone never was for you. May you be for yourself what you hope to get from a partner. May you love your soul. May you live for love. May that love be true to you. 

Sat Nam

Ra Ma Da Sa – Heal Thyself, Heal the World

Last week, I had a panic attack. The first one I have had in years. Hands shaking, my mother tranquilized me with her calming hands as I cried so hard my entire body felt an exorcism of grief. This is a feeling I have been storing in my body for several weeks. Loss of a relationship one year in the making, loss of a job that made me feel alive, the loss of my grandmother and her release from pain. Everything hit me all at once as I began to break down. One piece at a time.

We have so many ways in the current culture to destroy ourselves. Let me list some that I have engaged in.

  1. The Boring Drugs – Bad Television, Food, Booze… all things seemingly normal and undetected in all social circles.
  2. Sex – Ok, this list is starting to sound like a purity test. I’m not on this earth to make anyone, least of all, myself look like a soapbox diva. But what better way to forget than to lose yourself in another person? When did we decide as a culture that medicating using another’s genitals was a good idea?
  3. Self-Importance – We are taught, in America that the bigger we are the more powerful we become. Bigger homes, more followers, more social networking and more social anxiety. I am the most socially adjusted person until I engage in online comparison and then fear sets in. Where were we before we coveted our neighbor’s online post? How did we even survive?
  4. Martyrdom in the name of Service – When you are inspired to give, you want to give more and more. But if you never give to yourself you run on fumes and become either a financial, emotional or physical martyr. The cause of your life is to live it happy. When you martyr yourself in the name of others, you never get that solid foot on the ground and lose your liberation.
  5. Fear – I’ve let fear destroy many wonderful experiences that could have been completely pleasant. Shows I have been in, projects I have started, friendships? Relationships that never started because I couldn’t tell someone “I think you are amazing. You make me smile, and you add color to my view of the planet”. Chances, adventures, life. All curtailed out of a non-credible emotion.

So how do you heal from all these subconscious traumas? How do you resonate healing and love when you are falling apart? Where are the healing hands of your earthly and heavenly mother when your entire body resonates with these self-destructive tendencies?

There is a beautiful meditation in Kundalini Yoga. Tonight I felt the waves of peace roll over me as a voice whispered in my ear: “I think you are amazing, you make me smile, and you add color to my view of the planet”. It’s the inner voice I have been afraid to tell other people, because I need to tell myself first.

Healing cannot happen unless it starts at our original home, the heart.

Sitting on the ground with your legs crossed, close your eyes and focus at your third eye. Hold your hands palms flat at the level of your shoulders. Elbows are bent and resting next to the shoulders. Back straight. Breathe. Chant along with these beautiful elements, bringing in the navel point as you chant the syllables Sa and Hung, illuminating them both –

Ra – Sun

Ma- Moon

Da – Earth

Sa – Infinity

Sa- I call on Infinity

Say – I personally embody that Infinity

So – I merge with that Infinity

Hung – That esscence, I am thou.

To finish, hold your breath and visualize that green, healing energy of love. Send it to yourself, to the planet. To the world. Inhale and focus on that person or place you need to heal. Exhale and Inhale one last time, send it out further than you ever imagined. Exhale and heal the world.

Start with 11 minutes. Start with the love that you owe yourself as a divine being having an earthly experience.

May your week be healed by everything that makes you fall apart. May you peel back the layers of fear in your life to reveal the healing vibration of self love. May you care for yourself so much that all others are healed by being around you. May you inspire others to be healing waves of love. May that wave submit itself into an ocean of compassion. May that ocean be our planet. Sat  Nam.

Try this musical version with Snatam Kaur! Rights belonging to the artist-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9OCEfi4Lv0

Ending a Relationship: Thank You, Buddhist Chef.

Sometimes the all at once is exactly what we need to see what’s right in front of us.

Let’s take a look at what happened to me last week.

1. Finish working on a movie, have wrap party with cast and crew.

2. Find amazing opportunity at a non profit organization. Apply video skills, make friends.

3. Get a day job at a wonderful bakery. More support for creative endeavors, closer to boyfriend’s house. Yay!

4. Celebrate one year anniversary with boyfriend, eat good Italian food.

5. Count blessings, be grateful.

Now let’s look at this week:

1. Have crazy, sudden, massively upsetting exchange with boyfriend.

2. Cry relentlessly while avoiding all contact with boyfriend, as well as Mariah Carey songs.

3. Wander around my house like an invalid, cry large donkey tears. Think things over.

4. Have a breakup conversation at Starbucks. More tears.

5. Count blessings. Be grateful.

The truth of the matter is, catalyst events like these happen in everyone’s lives. But they are meaningful in the sense that they tell us what is working and what is breaking apart. Usually things shift in our lives and we feel rushed by them, like they all happen at once and flood our mental inbox with emotional spam. What happened? Things were going wonderful and then all of a sudden? BOOM!

The feelings that I had at the moment of our breakup were flooding. But the truth is for both of us they were the rush of reality that we had been avoiding. We are wonderful people with love to give, but we can’t live the life the other wants to have. The more I lived my life the worse he felt, and vice versa.

I heard a parable of a buddhist chef. He serves in a diner, and all people come to him for meals. One diner sends him compliments, says it is the best meal he has ever had. He responds “thank you”. The next diner sends him complaints, swears he hates the meal and he will never return. He responds “thank you”.

One thing I learned from my relationship with Brandon was that all things, when present with them, are teaching moments. Even our parting, although extremely painful to pursue. All satisfaction exists regardless of the fact of “we are together” or “we are not together”. We are, and will always be what we were: present and loving with each other and ourselves. And even though our problems are unfixable I am always grateful what he taught me about sustainability. Yes, I learned how to sustain a relationship from one that eventually broke up. Whoa.

So the next time everything is happening all at once? Surrender. Be the chef who serves every diner at the table. Be the one who embraces all things that come to you. Even at brunch, when the wait is long and the food is overcooked. Take whatever people give you and say thank you. Because that is where you learn how to resolve your differences within your soul. Embrace all the chaos and none shall make you suffer. Love your soul above all else and that love shall be returned. And fall for people like Brandon who hold a mirror up to you and force you to confront your dark side as well as embrace your light. They will be your teachers, and you will say thank you…eventually. 

ImageTo Brandon. Thank you, Buddhist Chef.