The Girl Asleep at a Party

When I was in college, I used to get blackout drunk. At UC Santa Barbara, that is called “Wednesday” , Certain as there was a Saturday and I didn’t have rehearsal? I’d be drinking 5-6 hard liquor or beer drinks a night and wandering into a stranger’s house to use their bathroom. 

There would always be that one girl, asleep at a party. She’s surrounded by activity, people are stacking cups on her head, and the world could light on fire – she would not wake up.

A few months ago I had a very rude awakening. The world, the planet, our lives are all short and maybe we are able to come close to our reason being here. But in the meantime happiness is the only thing worth pursuing even if it means risking the way you used to be.

I’m anxious. All the time. I don’t know minute by minute what I’m supposed to do and I’m letting others dictate that for me. I’m trying to surrender to the path, let the ride be the guide and really choose what challenges me and makes me happy to wake up every day.

Put the pursuing of that makes me want to be the girl asleep at a party. I know I won’t be able to go back to it, but I want to be her, just for an evening. 

I’ve taken a little bit of Kava-Kava, this herbal anxiety medicine that I found at the organic drugstore. It makes my lips tingle. It makes me want to eat a cookie. It makes me want a hug. It makes me want to pass out in the middle of the party.

This is the challenge of a conscious life : once you wake up, you can never go back to sleep. You must be conscious at all times even when it feels painful or scary. You must be the truth about your life if you want to get anywhere close to your joy.

I hope that I’m listening to what I truly believe is in my heart. I hope to stay awake and energized throughout the entire process of transformation. I hope I don’t get swallowed up by what I expect of myself. I hope that I don’t die before realizing infinity every day. I hope I can live in joy and happiness even when it hurts. I hope to never fall asleep again. 

May you never fall asleep again. 

Sat Nam

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Bang Head On Desk – Staying Present

I am a daydreamer. Always have been, ever since I was seven and my mother signed me up for youth soccer. I spent the entire time playing with my pigtails, chasing butterflies, and making cut-grass angels. As I get older the problem becomes that the daydreams have taken over to include entire lives that I’m not sure I’m capable of leading. There is so much part of being human that is constantly dissatisfied, so we are given to these fits of fantasy.

For example: 

I’m applying for a job that I might actually be good at. I find it on Craigslist, and I open an email to describe my skills. This has been a long search for jobs that I am not at all qualified for, but this one has software I am familiar with, an environment I might do well in, and skills that may transfer. Hallelujiah!

But then, I start the fantasy. If I work at this job for 30 hours a week, then that gives me some flexibility and time to apply for production manager positions, to expand my career, to write more, to travel, to live the FULL EXPECTED LIFE OF A CAREER WOMAN ON THE VERGE OF FINDING HERSELF!! YES!! 

Send.

Without, of course, the resume attachment. 

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So what do I attempt to do? 

Bang. Head. On. Desk. It’s an acronym, of course for act of remembering how to take it back to where you are.

B, H – Be Here. All Present Sensations. All things that can be are here for you now. If you are having trouble feeling this, try to breathe through your nostrils alternately closing one side each time. Left, then Right, then Alternate. Do that for as long as you need to until you feel present.

O, D – Open, Divine. Once you have finished maintaining present consciousness, feel the process of opening. Feel your heart creating your present situation for you. Close your eyes and connect to that heart, and imagine that energy expanding until it reaches around the city block. Then the sky. Then across the seas. Then through space and time. Feel that divine energy inside you.

May all of your fantasies be present with your conscious self. May your fantasies be seen through the lens of your current reality. May you become present and real. May you believe in the power of your open, divine self. May you have infinity in the presence of your soul.

Sat Nam.