Ok, so it’s not that…Sadly.
I’m moving to the San Francisco Bay Area. I have 1,000 in my bank account, some dreams and ideas, and a yoga mat to work out the details of those on. I’m seeking a spiritual and creative community, and some place to call my own version of home.
Those of you who I have flaked out on in the past month? I have to say I’m sorry. I should make time for those who have sat with me and stood for me and I couldn’t get to you all. Hopefully this makes a difference.
When I first came back from New York City, I was someone pretty burned by her career choice. I’m making similar risks so some of those are equally as scary. I feel ready now, but at the same time it took me quite some time to get there. A few catalyst events have moved me to make fast changes, but I can wait for miracles as they are seeking me out as well.
There is somewhat of a castrated feeling when you come back to the world you had such hopes of bringing success stories towards. But that is ego, and not spirit. Needless to say, when I returned home 2.5 years ago my ego was deflated and out of touch with any sense of meaning.
Then something amazing happened. Life showed up. You showed up. One of the lessons I learned back at home is that miracles often occur in spite of how worthy you feel of them. Best just to accept them and be grateful for the chance to keep pounding out the details of life’s grey areas.
I made friends. People who enjoyed having me and my big mouth around. People who didn’t care that I lived with my parents or worked in a department store. People who held my hand at tea when I broke down in front of them and let me spend the night on their couches. People who laughed with me, and wanted me to come on adventures to magical faraway lands like : Stockton, Sacramento. Whenever I walk into Kohl’s, Alicias Sugar Shack or Aria Bakery, I will have people I would like to see, and people who like to see me. That makes me so happy.
I fell in love. Deeply, passionately, and for someone who didn’t see me as broken or less-than feminine divine. I found someone who made me feel safe and beautiful, and although that ended I can’t imagine how my years here would have gone without him. I had lived in New York City, land of thousands of singles and soul-seekers, and then in the middle of nowhere I find someone who had more soul and passion and dignity than someone of a thriving philisophical metropolis. Although our relationship ended, I consider it a success in how he and I changed and grew. I will love what he did for me and who he is: the person who made love real for me when I least expected it.
I did things I never thought I would do. Make a movie. Learn to Cook. Swim across a lake. Learn to Salsa/Bachata and get so good at it I can hold my own at clubs. Master 120 day Sadhana. Find myself at a yoga festival. See my favorite band. Seek out projects with passionate people. Become an unexpected mentor and friend. Be chased by carneys. Get a certificate in web development.
I’m seeking happiness. Adventure, joy, connection and the answers to questions I may not have or know. My own version of home. A basic prosperity. Love. The way to the present. To really value and love my soul so much that all blessed karmic paths are attracted to it’s plane. To serve my destiny. To accept failure and move on. To become more real, and more myself every day. To be. To live. To enjoy.
And I have you all to thank for that. Thank you for valuing me when I didn’t value myself. Thank you for giving me a hand and a shoulder. Thank you for the support. Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for the love. Thank you for listening. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for the passion you have brought to my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.