Why My Career Needs a Big Wheel

It was hard to say no to $20.00 an hour, 40 hours a week serving as production manager for another feature. The job would have been three months out of Freemont, introduced me to many different hard working people in the Bay Area, and given me some real challenges in a field I have really loved working for. But I need some big wheels until my little ones can run on their own. 

Now what do I mean by this? Imagine your life as a series of gears, all moving together. Big wheels are what give you the most support and stability. Career, Health, Family, Spiritual Life, Community, Partner/Romance. Things move slower with the big wheels because things are less likely to change on those rotors. Not everyone’s big wheel is the same. Someone’s spiritual life might be going to church, it might be finding art in a museum. One person’s definition of family differs from the next, but they are stable and give a sense of connectivity. Romance might be a partner or it might be learning how to fall in love with yourself.

But what’s the key in the big wheel? Stability. Even Bear Grylls takes a knife with him when he goes into the woods, and he isn’t completely on his own  – let’s not forget there is a cameraman there. The poor bastard.

ImageThen you have your little wheels. Those are the things that fill in the gaps – passions, hobbies, adventures, love, entertainment. Those are things that don’t have to be huge, they just need to be what makes you blissfully happy. For me, that is my yoga, my friends, film making, writing, travel and challenging my whole self  to discover. That is laughing and sweating every day with purpose.

At certain times, things won’t always be moving forward. Big wheels will fall off. Little wheels will stop making us feel something. It truly is a lucky thing to have your big wheels and your little wheels be the same thing – to be so at one with yourself that you draw forth the opportunity to let all things be supported by themselves. 

I know to support a passion project you must support yourself – and I know that if I was to take that job that I would spend 3 months completely dedicated to it becoming a reality and none for making a stable place for myself in this world. I feel the same way about passion projects right now as I do about boyfriends – I would love to have one but I need to make sure that I’m stable enough to get into it.

So how do I handle the time in between boyfriends? When I need a big wheel so I can’ t do much of my little wheel? I’m going to see my family and friends, the big wheel I can always count on. I’m going to a film panel this weekend talking about DIY filmmaking and try to meet people. I’m going to continue to search for a big wheel that supports my little wheel. I’m going to continue to follow my big dreams and be big enough to let some little ones go for now.

May all your big wheels be stable. May all your little wheels bring you joy. May both work together. If you can’t travel to India, may you find the best Indian Cuisine and di May both be the same, someday. May you live in pursuit of balance because of glorious self-love. May you be happy.

Sat Nam

The Squeak

It sounds like a nonconformist slide whistle, which at any hour of the day will make the most annoying noise I’ve ever heard. I sit at the front desk of a lobby office, and suddenly that noise becomes my tell-tale heart. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

It’s the office drink refrigerator. Every time the glass moves against the opposite wall, it makes a rubbery whistle that is really irritating. A squeaky honk or a honky squeak? I can’t tell anymore. 

I sit here for 8 hours and none of it will ever go away. I can’t tell when the noise will come into my world, or when it will leave. It chooses how to present itself, it makes itself known and it comes back without my permission.

In many ways, this is how karma is processed. You never know when your bad cycles are going to appear, your old patterns that are going to pop up. I never know when I am going to feel shame, anger, fear, depression or loneliness creep up on me – but I know the vibration of those feelings the same way I feel this sound. Like, OH NO! Not THIS again. I’m sick of this fantasy/nightmare/problem that I thought I dealt with already.

The source may be the same or different, but it doesn’t matter because it seems interminable. And it’s the same sound, every time. A single noise in an otherwise noiseless world that keeps popping up, over and over again until it is all that you can think about.

We come to this planet as guests of an already perfect system, and our imperfections catch up with us. It’s only natural.

What we fail to realize when we process these sounds, feelings, vibrations, sensations? Is that we don’t need to fix any of it. We just need to let go of it the same way we let go of the noise that pops up in our heads. Every time we feel something, it doesn’t have to overtake us – they aren’t facts about our life, just information about trauma and drama not yet processed.

On this day, I hope that you find the silence in yourself when you hear only noise. I hope you recognize that in spite of your karma, you are all divine beings. I hope that you identify the source of your noise and learn how to live with it or let it go. I hope that you overcome all the squeaky sounds in your head that tell you that you aren’t worth jack. I hope that you eat your karma for breakfast so you can serve your higher purpose all day long. I hope you believe enough in yourself that the sounds don’t matter. I hope you have peace in your heart. Always.

Sat Nam.